#i never even cared about coachella this much i swear

[hwalentyne]

ATEEZCHELLA SOON IM SO EXCITED I CANR

[taexual]

Dude where do I even start :ccc

This chapter, I really couldn't wait to have some free time and read it peacefully (peacefully meaning, squealing and losing my shit at every paragraph)

I loved the plotting ok, the attention to details, the way they all worry about each other and just fight against this urge to bury Sid alive, so inspiring and wholesome :D

Also, something I've absolutely always loved about your writing is this continuous narration of the characters thoughs, interactions and quirks, like it may be the simplest of things for other people (like writers in general and stuff) but for me these moments -of Luna finally exchanging a gossipy stare with Maggie, or Jungkook feeling devastated when Oc took her hand away, and then making sure that it wouldn't happen again-, they just add so much endearment, personality, depth to the story. Idk, it feels like every comma you write has a purpose, and will eventually add up to some beautiful metaphors, and revelations.

What does it feel like to be such a talented writer??

Now, regarding the lovey dovey stuff... What the actual fuck are you trying to do to me? I swear I cannot look more deranged giggling at my phone every 32 seconds jfc, have some compassion.

Like jk demanding that kiss in the park? Had me doing flips

The “I never knew how to love you quietly."

AND OC RECITING HIS ENTIRE SPEECH??!? ‘We have Sociology together, I saw you sleeping in class, very cute by the way, the professor does not know how to shut up, have you seen that new Studio Ghibli film, I recently watched their classic with some friends, My Neighbour Jungkook, I’m Totoro by the way, I thought maybe—wait—no—’”

“Not one period, nothing,” you continued, a melancholic haze in your eyes. “Just commas and an endless stream of thought. You could have asked me to bury a body, I would have said yes.”

STFU I ALMOST CRIED, THOSE ARE MY BABIESS

The rain listened. It had become a fundamental part of your present and a prophet of your future: the two of you were going to spend the rest of your lives listening to the rain and falling in love.

This destroyed me actually, get me someone to listen to the rain and fall in love with, rn please and thank u

Also watch me try and write 'transfixing. Beguiling. Effulgent. Pulchritudinous' next time I'm falling asleep to test my writing abilities fr, just you wait

He was almost ready to call Rated Riot’s next song “Smile Lines” and just sigh dreamily into the microphone for five minutes while Yoongi played gentle piano chords in the background.

As if their entire discography wasn't like this already, at least in my mind it is. But yeah, I can totally see him doing something like that next time oc does anything remotely endearing (breathing basically)

Ugh idk what to say, you have me screaming and crying for this couple, these characters and their story all the time, and I love you for it. There are also things I forgot to mention because my phone refuses to actually save things in the Clipboard, but overall this made my week, as your updates always do (and that paired with Ateez's performance in Coachella in a couple of minutes?? Yeah life feels worth living again 🤭🤭)

Thank you sm for this, take care of yourself pleaseee, ill be waiting for the next one cccc:

oh how i wish i could thank you eloquently, instead of going sskdhfksh at every word of your message 😭 i must stress that the fact that you noticed (!) these little moments between characters and you've enjoyed (!!!) them is the absolute highest reward i could get 🙏🏻 it's so easy to skim, you know?

babe making you giggle is my main purpose in life at this point, i don't know what to tell you. and you'RE SO RIGHT OMG he's so whipped for her, their next album is just going to be jungkook morphing from this 🥰 into just this ��️ (like me for you rn, fr)

i also hope you have more peace and quiet to do the things you enjoy in your life!! i love you!!! 🥺🤍🤍🤍🤍 bless ateez btw

[thepixelelf]

OMG! ok for the title game thing(i’ll kiss ur head if u make it abt tbz but idrc) - in a daze

Title: In a Daze

Genres: fluff, roommates au, sick fic

Note: I'll be expecting my kiss on the head 💕

=

Younghoon is 23 years old and has never been sick a day in his life.

Or, that's what he tells you, anyways.

In truth, you're pretty sure Younghoon has never thought he was sick enough to be taken care of or take a break. He's always toughed it out every single time, hiding fevers and sore throats and headaches.

Now that you're here, though, you're having none of that.

"Sit your ass down Kim Younghoon or I swear to god I will sit you down myself."

He whines and shakes his head and tells you he's totally fine, but you're resilient. You place both hands on his shoulders and force him to sit down on his bed, then twist him so he can lie down. Before you pull the comforter over him, you place the back of your hand to his forehead. Younghoon is burning up like a white dude at coachella.

"Really..." he drawls, and you can't believe anyone's ever listened to him when he lies out of his ass and tells them he's not sick. "...I'm okay. You don't have to..."

"Shut up Younghoon." Bringing your hand back from his forehead, you head to your bathroom for the thermometer. When you come back, thermometer in hand, he's trying to sit up. Oh hell no. "Unless you're about to say 'I'm gonna stay in bed until I feel better'." You push him back so he lies down again. "Or 'thank you so much for this chicken noodle soup,' I don't want to hear it."

He blinks. "Chicken noodle soup?"

"Now that is what I like to hear. Coming right up."

You've lived alone (well, with a few different roommates) for four years now, and you make the best damn chicken noodle soup a sick person could ever slurp. Sure, it's from a can that says "soup is good food", but the slogan doesn't lie.

Due to the spillable nature of soup, you finally let Younghoon sit up against the headboard while he eats, and even though you aren't feeding him, you stick close by.

He's unable to finish the soup, but you don't mind.

"Thanks," Younghoon murmurs when you take the tray from his lap. You can practically see the sleep slowly taking over him.

"Any time."

As you stand up to leave, Younghoon's hand darts out to catch the end of your sleeve.

"Wait. I have something to tell you."

Raising a brow, you give him a look. "You're halfway to dreamland. Are you sure?"

He nods, albeit slowly and with his eyes drifting shut.

"Okay. Tell me."

With his eyelids half-shut, he smiles at you with that close-lipped, adorable smile you've always loved.

"I like you a lot."

"Yeah?"

"A lot a lot."

"You wanna tell me that in the morning when you're not half asleep?"

"No. Right now is perfect."

[eutxrpe]

hcs: bnha boys as idols (but americanized)

i hope you enjoy these musical headcanons! these were more of celebrity/singer ideas but i’d like to think that they are considered idols in this au.

⋄⋆⊹⋄⋆⋄⋆⊹⋄⋆⋄⋆⊹⋄⋆ izuku midoriya (stage name: deku)

he’s an idol that people on social media vow to protect.

big babey(™) energy

has earlobe piercings and occasionally wears small hoops. he’ll mostly wear black studs (he possibly has some floral tattoos??)

loves meeting with fans: he takes pictures, talks to them like they’re best friends, and will autograph anything. (he cries the first time a fan came up to him.)

his interviews are extremely wholesome and everyone loves to scream in the comments about how adorable he is.

his stage persona is incredibly confident and outgoing compared to how shy he is normally.

deku’s choreos have people dying. his choreography is smooth, but shows off his bubbly nature. when he does dances that are more... risque coupled with his stage outfits, oof the comments section goes wild.

midoriya’s figure is well-muscled from all of his singing and dancing. his fans don’t realize that fact until he’s shirtless performing at coachella and some of them legit got nose bleeds.

his high notes are impeccable. like an angel’s voice.

outside of performing, his outfits are casual: oversized hoodies, joggers, and converses. he still manages to look hella good.

he’ll wear more formal clothing to interviews and stuff like that, but he’s very down-to-earth.

plays guitar in his live streams.

(does cutesy k-pop choreography in his free time. don’t @ me)

⋄⋆⊹⋄⋆⋄⋆⊹⋄⋆⋄⋆⊹⋄⋆ katsuki bakugo (stage name: ground zero)

the idol that people have a crush on and he knows it. he knows he’s famous, hot, and pretty and is cocky about it.

bakugo has ear piercings as well: two lobe piercings and a helix cuff. has a sleeve of tattoos.

comments are either compliments or thirsts that i cannot write here for your own sake.

maintains a tiktok and other social media but says that he hates it. he also posts often to show off his name brand clothing and the bakusquad. his fans are confused at his thinking but take the content happily.

swears a lot in his songs. between songs during live performances, it’s like he actively tries to fit curse words between every word.

his songs have nice beats and there’s always at least one drum solo in every of one his albums.

plays the drums. he’s noticeably calmer after doing so.

he has a rough, gravelly voice and his choreos are very explosive. big motions that somehow still manage to look fluid.

doesn’t like fans coming up to him but will grimace or smirk into a camera if they ask for a photo. he’s somewhat nice to children tho, awkwardly patting their head and tries not to curse too much.

ask him to freestyle raps during live streams and your ears will be blessed.

curses out his friends a lot (but also shouts them out constantly)

gives off extreme bi energy.

can and will show off his body on camera if provoked.

wears baggy pants and sweats, graphic tees (that show his chest off) , oversized jackets, and chains. 

⋄⋆⊹⋄⋆⋄⋆⊹⋄⋆⋄⋆⊹⋄⋆ shoto todoroki (stage name: shoto)

this man does not realize how many people love him.

clueless heartthrob vibes.

plays the piano and ukulele.

has his earlobes pierced and a nose piercing. he has his mother’s name tattooed on his shoulder.

wears eyeliner to make his eyes look even more striking than they already are.

uses daddy’s money to get his name brand clothing of course. wears turtlenecks, ripped jeans, expensive jackets, jewelry (particularly rings that look good on his hands and long fingers). he accidentally flaunts his money everyday with what he’s wearing.

when he meets fans in public, they’re visibly dying at his outrageous combination of kindness and hotness. not to mention, shoto’s beautiful smile when he genuinely thanks them for supporting him on his musical journey... pure boi.

lean, but muscular figure that makes his comments section go insane. he also has a tendency to accidentally show off. he’s adorable and hot at the same time and his fans are having a hard time figuring out why.

has no creativity whatsoever with his stage name so it’s just shoto

however... his dances are elegance in a word. they’re very slow and calming and there’s a bit of ballet and contemporary despite having no prior training.

his voice is silky smooth and low. he generally does lo-fi, but occasionally comes out with a cheery song. secretly, he can rap very well tho. don’t tell ground zero.

shoto’s social media posts are a mix of cryptic, pretty, and aesthetic.

his tweets are hilarious and he doesn’t even know it. and the days that he posts selfies are very good days. 

his social media is usually filled with photos of his friends and him looking amazing. they’ll be getting coffee or skating around, smiling and laughing or going to do some crackheaded thing. him and midoriya have ran around walmart in heelys and recorded the whole thing.

dyes his hair every so often and manages to look stunning in every color.

⋄⋆⊹⋄⋆⋄⋆⊹⋄⋆⋄⋆⊹⋄⋆ tenya iida (stage name: ingenium)

this man. you would not expect him to be an idol. but he’s an amazing singer. low and husky, his voice is honest and made him incredibly famous.

his whole family sang jazz in their prime. as the baby of the family, there’s recordings of him singing and rapping incredibly fast as a child which earned him the name ingenium. it never fails to bring a flush to his cheeks when brought up in interviews.

when he choreographs, it’s stiff and robotic, but there’s a charm to it that makes his fans love it. ingenium’s smile when they cheer for him is almost blinding, because he knows he’s a horrible dancer, but their support means a lot to him.

one of the nicest and calmest fanbases you’ll ever see. there’s a whole community boosting iida and other fans up. 

live streams a lot and constantly promotes self love and kindness.

has a tiktok that is just him yelling at his viewers to take care of themselves.

he’s very wholesome and earnest.

no piercings or tattoos for this man!

his build is tall and bulky and some people’s compliments of “tall, dark, and handsome” make him blush.

takes instagram photos of him at the gym. he once live streamed after a run and the internet died for a minute at how good he looked even while sweating.

plays bass in his free time.

his stage persona is very honest and he likes to talk to the audience in between songs.

makes people’s day by bringing them onstage.

wears expensive stuff like overcoats, turtlenecks, polos, and khakis.

[heyhxxd]

Day one

SUMMARY: The day you met Grayson.

WORD COUNT: 1.1k+

WARNINGS: Swearing?

“C’mon we gonna be late for The Neighborhood!” The blonde girl yelled at you for the hundred time in the day, pulling your arm so hard you felt like she was going to tear it apart.

“I’m running as fast as I can” You said almost getting out of breath, following the girl while trying not to impact against all the people in the field.

“You’re not fast enough Amara” She said tired of you not running as fast as her. She was pretty excited to see The Neighbourhood live, it was her favorite band and you couldn’t blame her for that. But if we’re being honest, you weren’t hyped at all for them.

“Then you go and I’ll catch up, I really need to go to the bathroom” You told her, she gave you an angry look and let go of your arm.

“You’re never going to find me” She rested her hands on her hips.

“Oh but I will, I know you’re going to be in front of Zack so that’s a start” You let out a smirk.

“Ok smart girl, see you later then. Don’t get lost” She said don’t even caring anymore, she knew you and she was aware that you were not going to the bathroom, you just wanted to get lost and calm down for a minute.

“I won’t!” You screamed at her while she disappeared in the crowd.

And she was right you didn’t really need to go to the bathroom, you just wanted some time out from Lea’s craziness. I mean, you were really enjoying Coachella but her pace was a little too much for you and this was only the first day, you still had a lot ahead of you. You walked around the field while the sun reflected on your already tanned skin while you walked around the field, amused by all the colors and all the people walking around, taking pictures, drinking, and even making out in the middle of everyone. You were still getting used to the different lifestyle, though it wasn’t so bad, you where actually really enjoining it.

You looked down at your outfit, it was really pretty. A white lace top, baggy yellow pants, and white -actually, already kinda brown- sneakers that tied the whole outfit together. Maya had offered to pick your outfits for the festival and since she was studying fashion design you didn’t doubt it for a second.

All the walking in the sun was starting to make you thirsty so you walked to the nearest stand and asked for a bottle of water.

“Sure, it’ll be $5.99 for the large one” This shit is expensive as hell, you thought, while you looked through your pockets for your money.

“Fuck” You whispered when you remember Lea kept your bag when she asked for her ID when the crazy security guy told her she wasn’t 21 so she couldn’t buy a beer. You only had 5 bucks lying around in your pockets. “Actually, give me the small one” you chuffed and gave her the money.

“Actually, give her the large one” A really deep voice sounded from behind. You immediately turned around and saw a brown haired brown eye really tall guy, dressed in a white shirt and some really ripped ripped jeans giving the stand chick a dollar that she accepted more than happy with a flirty look on her face.

“I- um, what are you doing? I don’t need your money” You were angry, some random dude just paid for you and he didn’t even care to ask. The girl gave you a bad look and passed you the water. “No thanks” You told her and left, I am not going to give him the satisfaction, you thought, and walked away not even caring to back at him even though you felt his heavy look resting in your eyes.

“Hey!” You heard him screaming at you and picked up your pace, which if we’re being honest was completely useless since the guy was like really fucking tall compared to you. “You forgot your water” He said and handed you the transparent bottle, at this moment you were thirsty as hell and had no money at all to buy another one, but since you’re you and that meant you were pretty stubborn, you were not going to accept that water.

“Thanks but no thanks, I’ll just buy another one with my money” You kept walking.

“But you have no money” He let out a little smirk.

“Oh but I have, I just need to find my friends” You acted like you were looking for someone in the crowd, standing on your toes.

“I can help you find them” He insisted. He was actually being nice but at this second you were too angry to think about the fact that he was trying to help.

“Sure, why don’t you go to hell?” Yeah that was kinda hard. Whatever.

“I mean, I would but then I won’t be able to look at you anymore” He was trying to be funny, ok then.

“What’s your-“ You looked at him and actually noticed him. He was wearing a white shirt that made his toned arms stand out, some really ripped ripped jeans and a hanging earring on his left ear. You felt like someone had just punched you in the chest and were out of breath. His eyes were a really pretty light brown like his hair, his lips were big and red and- wait what are you doing Amara? You’re staring! “-problem?”

“Um... yeah” He bit his lip, looked down at the ground, and then back at your eyes. You felt the air getting heavier. “I just wanted to help you out, it was only a dollar, j- just accept it would you?” He passed you the bottle again only this time you accepted it. Was it his eyes? Or maybe his lips? Or it could be the way he looked at you? But all the anger inside you disappeared the second you looked at him, you couldn’t even remember why you were angry in the first place.

“Thanks” You whispered, you were about to repeat it because you thought he didn’t hear because all the noise around you, but he nodded.

“Well... I’ll get going” He said and waved goodbye. He gave you a last glance and walked away. You immediately fell bad, wrong, like something was missing.

“Wait!” You yelled as walked towards him. He turned around and you could already see a big fat smile trying to escape his lips. “I’m actually lost, could you help me find my friend?” You felt your face getting hot as he let out that smile, showing his perfect smile with his perfect white teeth.

“What did you said your name was?” He asked without breaking the smile from his face.

“I didn’t” You shrugged with a smirk on your face. “I’m Amara” He smiled and nodded.

“Nice to meet you Amara, I’m Grayson”

[chonisbestmistake]

Obvious and oblivious

Rosé x Female!Reader

Rated: M

Warnings: fluff, smut, swearing

Word count: 2,231

Summary: “Jesus Christ, why does it smell like sex in here?”

You couldn’t exactly recall when the show ended, as soon as you took a step on stage it was all a blur. You knew you gave all of yourself to the audience that night, singing your heart out there and dancing under the colorful spotlights with your best friends, your family. You felt your ears ringing when stage platform took you downstairs and you sent a last wave of your hand and a beaming smile to the big arena full of screaming fans. As soon as you were out of their sight you felt Rosé colliding into your arms, happy tears streaming down her angelic face for the 10th time this evening. You cooed and gave her a sloppy kiss on the cheek, feeling Lisa hug you from behind, Jennie and Jisoo joining the circle shortly.

“You were great guys, you killed it, i`m so proud of you all.” You whispered, out of breath.

“Oh, Y/N –honey, you were the one who gave your 120% tonight, I think I heard some fan screaming he`d kill for you. No wonder, you were dancing like it was truly your laaaaaast.’’ Jennie huffed, her voice raspy from all the singing. She smirked at Rosé still clinging to you, referring to her wild behavior at Coachella last year. You didn’t even have to glance at the blond girl in your arms to know she was blushing furiously, eyes never leaving the floor.

“What can I say? I like to let myself go on stage. Besides, it’s a great opportunity to compete with Lisa for the dance queen crown.” You laughed when her elbow collided with your ribs. ”Ouch, Lisa, that actually hurt.” She gave you a toothy smile and embraced Jisoo, poking her cheeks while the brunette tried to bite off her friend’s fingers.

“Okay, we have half an hour to ourselves for now, I’m gonna go take a shower, we can meet up and eat something in 15 minutes. Celebrate and everything. How`s that sound?” Jennie was half way out the door already, taking her earrings and bracelets off.

“Shower! Me too!” Lisa followed her shortly, Jisoo already by her side, putting her messy hair in a bun and kindly telling managers to fuck off for the rest of the break.

“Guessing, it`s just the two of us now” You said, glancing around and making sure no one’s looking your way. “Wanna take a shower, babe?” You whispered close to her ear, knowing well it’d make a right affect on her.

“I’d love too, you know it, but not with the girls in one room, and the shower place is too small for all of us anyways.” She giggled when you cupped her flushed cheek, eyes falling to her lips, action not unnoticed by her. “Not here.”

You sighed, not pleased at all because you knew you couldn’t show too much affection for your band mate to anyone, but her. Not even to the girls. So you picked her small hand and pulled Rosé into the empty dressing room, immediately pinning her to door and attacking her neck. Still high after your performance, you felt adrenalin rushing through your veins, resulting in your arms shaking a little. She was annoying you all evening, smirking at you while slowly swaying her hips to the rhythm and she knew she was making you hot by the second you stepped on stage. She could give a great performance there, in front of all the fans, but behind closed doors it was you who gave the real show, who was the star of the real `event`. Making sure to not leave the hickeys, you bit her pulse point, licking the pain away. You knew you had 15 minutes before the girls’ return but it was enough time for you to satisfy you tired girlfriend into oblivion after the hard day. Without further ado, you picked her up by the thighs, grinning when she gulped, surprised, and made your way to the white couch standing at the corner of the room. Turned out, she wasn’t as tired as it seemed at first. By the time she was on top of you, with your hands under her skirt, she was already out of breath, whimpering and all flushed cheeks. Shower and food long forgotten, this was your favorite moments of the day when you could enjoy the heavenly sight of a mess that was Rosé right now. Eyes half closed, lips parted, little whimpers escaping her mouth without a care. You reached for her jaw, tongue sliding to her earlobe, sucking, and then down to the soft spot above her collarbone. Her hips jerked upwards immediately, but your grip on her waist was much stronger, the idea of pulling her impossibly close never leaving your mind. Adding another finger, stretching her deeper, you caught her lips once again to muffle her cries that sounded more like mewls now. You looked into her hooded eyes only to see that she was so, so lost in bliss, never stopping for a second her steady movement above you. Her strawberry blond hair was a beautiful mess, cascading down her back and you couldn’t resist pulling, earning a long loud moan that nearly sat you on edge. You both knew she had to be quiet, so your palm cupped her jaw, fingers pressing slightly against her parted lips. You weren’t prepared for the pain when her teeth locked around your index finger, but you didn`t pull away, knowing she needed this right now, something to bite on, trying hardly to muffle the sounds escaping her mouth. Minutes have passed and you could see how desperate she was, chasing her orgasm like there was no tomorrow. So you decided to have mercy and flipped her on the couch, immediately going down, your mouth meeting her where she craved you the most, helping you fingers to soothe her ache. As soon as you went for another lick, her thighs nearly crushed your earpieces that were still stuck in your ears after the concert. She was gone now, her grip so tight, you couldn’t even hear her yelling your name and you prayed nobody would, honestly.

“Rosé, are you there? Is everything okay?” The grip on your head eased and you heard several knocks on the door. “Damn it, Jennie.” You breathed out, stealing a glance at the door and then looking at the girl beneath you. Rosé looked like she was about to pass out, breathing heavily, eyes closed, heart beating so loud you could literally hear it through your probably crushed earpieces. One glance past her navel and you knew you had to clean up not only her, but yourself and the couch too, quickly, before Jennie comes in and kills you two. You lapped at her thighs and Rosé let a sharp whine, which didn’t go unnoticed by the sudden visitor.

“Rosé? Can I come in?” You sweared under your breath again, standing up and straightening you skirt. “Give us a minute, we’re changing!” You smiled at your girlfriends flushed face, wiped your wet cheeks and helped her stand up on her unsteady, shaking feet and straighten her own dress.

“God, what haven’t I seen there already?” A very grumpy Jennie finally opened the door and stepped inside the room, eyes narrowed.” It`s been 25 minutes, what have you been doing for so long? We`re waiting for you” Sure, time definitely flew by when you and Rosé were alone like that, but seriously, 25 minutes?

“Sorry, Jen, we just lost track of time, I guess.” You tried to come up with an excuse, but you`re mind went blank as you stared at your girlfriend standing silently by your side, still looking stuck in a headspace and messing with her bottom lip.

“Wait, you said you were changing, why are you in the same clothes still?” God, Jennie, just let it go so we can all go eat, you thought. “Rosé, why do you look like you ran a fucking marathon? What happened?” It wasn`t the first time you saw your girlfriend go mute after a mind-blowing experience and, honestly, she looked so cute with her messy hair and still hooded eyes that seemed like they lost their focus completely. While you were deciding on your answer, Jisoo entered the room, followed shortly by Lisa.

“Jesus Christ, why does it smell like sex in here??” You winced at the loud voice and stared at Jisoo with wide eyes. You saw Jennie`s chin almost hit the ground and heard Rosé `s sharp inhale. Lisa didn’t even flinch which was odd.

“We…ugh.”You couldn’t connect the thoughts in your head, and every decent answer seemed to fly out of the window. You tried to focus, stealing a glance at Rosé, who was blushing furiously, looking down at her hands that were clenching your shoulders desperately just minutes ago at an attempt to steady herself on your lap. Jeez.

And then something hit you. Hard. “Wait, how do you even know what it smells like?” Jisoo was taken aback by your question and you sure as hell noticed the strange look she gave Jennie, before firing back. “Doesn`t everyone know though? Lisa?”

“Um… nope. But Jennie might?” She tried to hide her smirk behind a cough, but you knew better. Jisoo went red under Lisa`s intense look. “Wha– how did you even?…Great slip up, Chu.” Jennie looked flushed and angry at the same time, giving dagger eyes to Jisoo. “Why me? I didn’t say anything to anyone, let alone Lisa! Maybe someone was just being too damn loud when they weren`t supposed to and she heard!”

To be honest, you were glad they forgot about you two for a second, it gave you time to clear up your thoughts, but the complete confusion on your girlfriend`s angelic face made you laugh out loud. As the two concerned faces of your unnies turned to you, you regretted your slip up probably more than Jisoo regretted hers. But then you remembered what this was all about.

“So, you slept together, huh.” It wasn`t even a question from your side. Jennie turned bright pink, covering her face and let out a desperate huff while Jisoo, on the other hand, made a grimace, but didn`t look flushed at all. Dead silence in the room was interrupted by Rosé `s loud gasp. “What? When did that happen? Why didn`t you tell us anything?”

“The same reason you didn’t tell us you were screwing Y/N.”

As soon as those words left Jisoo`s mouth you saw a panicked expression on Rosé`s face and unintentionally stepped forward, shielding her from everyone else. The move didn’t go unnoticed and the atmosphere changed a little. Thanks to Lisa, who broke the tension, you could suddenly breathe again. “So, if we finally figured this all out, can we like, go and eat? We have only 5 minutes left.”

“Now how did you know? You don`t sound surprised at all.” You asked, eyeing her relaxed state and calm expression. Like she knew all of this for too long and was just tired already.

“That`s because I`m not. You guys weren’t really subtle. Neither of you.” She smiled, knowing she was right. “It`s funny how you`re so obvious but so oblivious at the same time, trying to hide from each other. I kinda grew tired of waiting for you to tell me so I just let it go.” Her smile turned into a sad one and you felt guilt blossom in your chest.

“I`m sorry, we should have told you sooner.” Rosé breathed out, standing beside you. “To all of you.”

“Yeah, we just weren`t sure you would approve or whatever. Were kind of scared even. If we only knew about you two…”  You took Rosie`s hand in your own and pulled her closer, eyeing your unnies standing with a sad look on their faces.

“No, we`re sorry too. We should have said something, be an example. So you wouldn’t feel bad about telling us.” Jisoo said, side hugging her lover. “Yeah, and you`re our best friends, our family. We should have… I`m sorry.” Jennie gave Lisa a guilty look, pouting slightly. The younger girl let out a laugh. “It`s okay, unnies, I still love you all.”

“Aww, come here nugget, I love you more!” You snickered and gave her a bear hug, the others following you shortly, cuddling close.

“So like, can we eat now?” Lisa asked, her tummy growling loudly and making everyone laugh once again.

“Food!” Rosé cried out, already half way out the door.

“I dunno, I already ate.” You mocked her and she stopped so suddenly, Lisa collided with her back.

“Woah, Y/N! How was it?” Jennie smirked at your flushed girlfriend, following everyone outside.

“Oh, i`ll tell you everything about it!” You said in a serious tone, making sure Rosé heard you loud and clear.

“No, you won`t!!!” She crushed into your arms, closing your mouth with both of her tiny hands. Even the roots of her hair sparkled red from embarrassment right now. You tickled her sides slightly and she let go, laughing hysterically and pulling away. But you were quick to catch her waist again, spin her and give a sweet kiss to her pouty lips, hearing a three sweet `awww`s behind your back. You really did have a great supporting family, you thought.

[bbyboybrock--archived]

Serendipity (C.B) | Chapter 23

Summary: Serendipity: (n) the chance occurrence of events in a beneficial way

Popular youtuber Isabella Hart, known as Bella to her audience, bends over backwards to separate her youtube life from her private life. Known for her overall clean content and her bubbly attitude, Isabella has a wild side to her that only those inside the youtube community know about. When Bella meets Colby during one of the trap house parties she finally meets someone she can be her genuine self with. When trouble arises after their meeting, will Bella be able to hand the pressure or will she destroy her relationship with Colby as well as herself in the process. [This starts in 2018]

Written: 2019

Word Count: 5,755

Warnings: swearing

Serendipity Masterlist

I sit on a chair on the balcony drinking my coffee waiting for Colby to get out of the shower. It's early. Early enough for me to wear a hoodie out. I watch as people go on about their lives down below. People going to work, school, or just being pass by the complex. It's a Thursday so people are getting for the weekend. And this weekend is the first weekend of Coachella so nearly everyone in LA is preparing for that. Our friend group included.

Well, not everyone in our friend group. Its's literally just Sam, Colby, Jake, Kat, Tara, Griffin, and me. Tara is the newest addition to our group. She's not apart of the girlfriend club yet but I'm sure Jake will take care of that soon. Sam, Colby, and I are going because we have to work. Which kind of messes with their break. But they have to make money somehow.

We're not going until weekend two but Colby and I have no idea what we're wearing. Sam and Kat have been ready for at least a week. Jake is going to just wear normal Jake clothes. Tara has been planning and I'm sure she sent Jake a color scheme so something could match. And even though Colby has some sense of style, he claims that he has no idea how to dress. So I promised him that when I had a free day. I would put together both of our outfits. With the album release party and the actual release of the album, I've been busy until today. Which leads us to right now.

Sitting on the balcony drinking coffee and waiting for Colby to get out if the shower. My phone rings. I take a large sip before answering.

"Hello?"

"Happy birthday!" Yells the person the other end. I pull the phone away from my ear for a second and blink. I look at the caller id.

"Benji, it's way too fucking early for this. The caffeine hasn't even kicked in. But thank you." I finish my coffee and head back inside. I peek in the hallway on my way to the kitchen and see that Colby has finally gotten out of the shower.

"Wow, the birthday girl woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."

"Sorry, just not in the mood... to celebrate." I begin washing the cup and keeping my eyes on the bathroom door.

"What the fuck do you mean? It's your 20th birthday! You're celebrating."

"Not this year, okay? Don't you have a class or a shift at the hospital or something?"

"I get it! I'll see you later. I have to drop off your gift."

"Wait! Benji do—" Benji hangs up on the other before I can tell him to not come over. I roll my eyes and text him quickly before sitting on the couch.

It's not that I don't want to celebrate my birthday. I always do. Even when my family ignored me, I always planned something for me to do and spent time with Benji. Hell, last year was the first year I did something other than for and spend time with Benji for my birthday. But this year is different. Everything happened close to my birthday. Colby isn't back to normal. I know he isn't happy. If I hadn't already planned my album release party a few weeks ago, I would have kept my mouth shut about it. I don't want to put Colby into situations where he has to force himself to seem happy. I couldn't do anything about the album release party. I kept telling him he didn't have to do, but he insisted. I don't want my birthday to be another boyfriend obligation. So I kept quiet about my birthday around everyone, hoping that maybe everyone will forget. I'm assuming the did because there have been no texts or social media post from my friends. Colby didn't say anything this morning.

Colby finally walks out of the bathroom. He disappears into the bedroom.

"You ready to go?" Colby asks after grabbing a pair of shoes from the bedroom.

"I've been ready. I aged five years waiting for you." I joke.

"Hey, you don't understand this, but beauty takes time."

"Okay, beast. Let's go before all the last minute weekend one people get the last of the good stuff." Colby helps me up and we head to the mall.

In the car I ordered custom shirts for Colby and I. They're redesigned fashion logos. Calvin Klein for Colby and Gucci for me. Right now we're inside Forever 21 browsing. We've already been to a few stores and found some things to wear. We decided to wear similar "matching" outfits. Mainly, we're going to stick to similar color schemes.

I'm looking through a rack of neon shorts to go with the neon yellow pants we found for Colby. As I finally find a pair in my size, Colby's phone rings. I can already tell it's Sam based on the ring tone. He has special ring tones for Sam, his parents, and me.

"Hello? Sam?" Colby looks at me confused before handing me the clothes in his hands and walking out of the store. Lucky for me, he's holding the shopping bags.

I watch him as he talks to Sam. He pulls the phone away from his ear for a second, looks at something, and then goes back to talking to Sam. I figure whatever is going on with Sam is going to take a while and go deeper into the store. I find a few more things that I like and just look through them. I go through a few more racks like that before Colby finally gets back.

"What was that about?" I ask while handing Colby back his clothes.

"Oh, it was nothing. He had gotten some emails about the Sam and Colby channel. He needed my opinion on somethings. Anyway, since we're on the last outfit, why don't we head to lunch soon. Then we can walk around the mall some more or walk around the beach."

"Yeah, okay. Let's try these on first and then we can head out. Oh, here, we're not going to buy these shirts but try it with this so I can see if it works." I hand Colby a white shirt as we walk to the dressing rooms.

We ended up getting Chick-Fil-A and walked around the beach. We spent the whole day out and even did a bit more shopping. When we got home, Colby managed to convince me to go out again. We haven't really had a date night in a while, so he said that we should go to dinner. Which is where we are now, sitting outside of Tao's in the car about to go in for dinner. The idea of us just spending the day together is nice. However, Colby spent more time on his phone all day than talking to me. Which is a bit annoying, but hopefully, he'll pry himself away from his phone for dinner.

Colby helps me out of the car and we walk into the restaurant. We get to the front counter and the waitress leads us to a party room full of our friends and Benji.

"Surprise!" Everyone screams in unison.

"Oh shit... Thank you! I really am surprised. Colbs did you...?" I turn to Colby and see that he's smiling.

"Happy birthday, baby." He kisses me before leading us to our seats. I'm sitting at the head of the table with Colby on one side of me and Benji on the other.

"I honestly, don't know what to say. This is really a surprise. I had no idea you guys had this planned." I say after taking a sip of water.

"What? Did you think we forgot or something?" Sam jokes. I see a look of panic flash across Colby's face.

"No, it's just, I wasn't really planning on celebrating this year. But this is great. I've never had a surprise party before."

"Let's look at the menu. Izzy, we can go half and half on something if you want." Colby says quickly handing me a menu.

That's when I knew that they did forget. The Colby forgot and right now he's forcing himself to be a perfect boyfriend and he's beating himself up over it.

****

Sam and I pose for pictures with the fans who happened to find out at the mall. Once we finish I wipe off the fake smile and continue walking with Sam. The only reason why we're at the mall is because Sam wanted to get a surprise for Kat and he needed a girl's opinion. I was hoping that we wouldn't run into fans today but it's only a matter of time before rumors start spreading around the two of us. Which is fine. Colby knows that I'm hanging out with Sam today and why. The only person who doesn't know is Kat, and that's the point. But I also have another reason to hang out with Sam.

We sit down at the food court and start eating the food we bought right before we got interrupted. Sam set's Kat's gift on the floor and starts setting out all the food.

"Can't wait for that to blowback on us later," Sam says as he passes me my food.

"Well, we couldn't have said no or asked them to not post the pictures. It would make the situation worse. Anyways, they're harmless selfies with fans. If they speculate, we can't stop them. We know the truth." I take a picture of our food and caption it for my story.

"Very true. Hey, thanks for helping me today. I wanted to make sure that Kat likes her gift. And since you two hang out all the time, I thought you would be the best person to help." Sam pops a fry into his mouth.

"No problem. Since I helped you out, can you give me advice on something?"

"Shoot."

"You talked to Kat about everything that happened, right?" I sip my soda and avoid eye contact with him.

"Yeah, pretty much right after everything happened. As soon as I saw her. Why?"

"Well, you know Colby. Hell, I know Colby. He doesn't talk about anything when the subject is him. Which is fine, everyone is entitled to their secrets. But— Have you noticed anything different about him?"

"You mean the drinking?" He says casually.

"It's gotten out of control, Sam. I'm scared for him. I guess what I'm asking is, should I talk to him about everything?"

"Look, I know from experience that if you try to force Colby to talk, he's going to push you away."

"But, Sam—"

"Trust me, Isabella. Colby will talk about it when he's ready. You wanted my advice. My advice is to let him be for now."

"You're right. Just forget I said anything. Let's change the subject."

"Okay, so for pizza night tomorrow..."

I get home from hanging out with Sam about an hour later. When I get home, Colby is up in the balcony doing something on his computer. He's most likely working. I know that he's going to have a guys night with Mike, Aryia, and Kevin. So it would make sense that he would be working on something.

"I'm home and I brought you food!" I shout as I put the things I just bought in our room. I walk back to the kitchen and arrange Colby's food on a plate. I bring everything up to him and set it on the table.

"Thank you. How was your little shopping spree with Sam?" Colby saves his work and turns to me.

"It was fun. I haven't hung out with Sam or anyone else really since before the album release party. In fact, my manager called me while I was out. Turns out that a producer or something called him and wants to meet with Mike, Aryia, Kat, and I tomorrow morning. Anyway, how was your day?"

"That's amazing! Yeah! I've been sitting here working all day. Honestly, at this point, I'm thinking about hiring Reggie to edit my videos. That would give me more time plan and film. I really need this guys night tonight." He starts looking

"Want me to edit for you?" I say peeking at his screen.

"No, it's fine. I know you have your own stuff to work on. I know you've been working on your second album.

"Okay. Just call me if you want to take up my offer. Enjoy your lunch." I kiss Colby on the cheek before walking back into my studio.

I sit in the living room watching tv. Well, I'm not really watching it. It's on, but my mind is elsewhere. It's nearly midnight and I should be in bed because I have to be up early for my meeting. Colby is still out, which is fine. Except, Colby left at six and he said he would be back, at the latest, at eleven. It's eleven fifty and I haven't even heard from him. I know he's out with Mike, Aryia, and Kevin. The four of them together is asking for trouble when it comes to partying. The thing is, Mike and Aryia are also going to the meeting so they should be home too. I called all four of them and got nothing. I even texted Sam, who stayed home because he's working on the new series for the duo channel all night. He hasn't heard anything either and he said he'd let me know if he found anything out.

So now I'm sitting up freaking the hell out. I cleaned the apartment three times today. The first time was general house cleaning after Colby left. The second time was at ten because I was nervous about the meeting. The third time was at eleven when I saw that Colby was late and he didn't even text me. To make matters worse, his location is either broken or he turned it off because I can't check.

As I check my phone again, Sam starts to call me. I quickly answer and turn off the tv.

"Hey, have you heard from them?" I ask calmly.

"He's at my place. He's fine... just drunk." Sam says quietly. I hear a noise in the background. It sounds like Colby.

"Why's he over there? We literally live next door."

"I know. He's a mess and didn't want to go home. I think he should crash over here tonight. Listen, Iz, I was wrong."

"What are you talking about? Wrong about what and why doesn't he want to come home?" I stand up and start slowly putting the remote back in its place.

"This morning I said to leave Colby alone. I think you should talk to him."

"Why? What's happening? Sam, you're scaring me."

"Look, I have to go. Don't worry too much. I can take care of him. Just go to bed. I'll talk to you at tomorrow." Sam hangs up before I can say anything else.

It takes every fiber in my body to stop myself from going to Sam's apartment to see what's going on. Instead, I grab my phone and drag myself to bed. I plug my phone in and turn off the lights before crawling into bed. I take Colby's pillows and force them into a position to make me feel like I'm not sleeping alone. I try to fall asleep, but instead, I map out what I'm going to say to Colby. I'm going to talk to him tomorrow. I have to, for his sake.

****

"Oh! Colby, I was going to stop by Sam's to say bye to you. I have that meeting. My ride isn't here yet, do you want me to make you a hangover smoothie?" I ask as I see Colby laying on our couch. I honestly don't know when he came in. He's still wearing his clothes from yesterday. His hair looks like a tangled mess and under his eyes are so dark that he looks sick.

"No, I'm good. The sound from the blender will make it worse. Thanks though." I stand there for a second, thinking if I should bring it up right now. I go into the bathroom and take the Advil bottle and grab a cup of water from the kitchen.

"Here," I hand Colby two pills and the glass.

"Thank you. You're an angel." Colby sits up and takes the pills.

"I know that I'm leaving any minute, but can we talk?" I sit down next to Colby.

"Of course." He sets the glass on the floor and turns to me. The bags under his eyes are prominent.

"Look, I know that things have been off since you got arrested and the tunnel incident. And I haven't been pushing you to talk because I wanted to give you space. And I've noticed that you haven't been the best lately and I really want to help you."

"What do you mean by I'm not the best lately? Like I've been a shitty boyfriend?"

"What? No! That's not what I mean at all. I just meant that lately, you've been less like yourself. You go to bed later than normal. I don't even think you sleep some nights. And when you do sleep, you're having nightmares. I know you're on the balcony drinking and listening to music. Hell, you've been drinking a lot more recently. Don't think I haven't noticed the vodka supply going down. Which is what I drink when shit's hit the fan and I want to feel good. And that's how you use vodka too. I know whiskey is your poison so don't start there. And you got so drunk yesterday that you didn't want to come home. Sam told me. But don't get mad at him because he's just worried about you too. We all are."

"Do you guys have a group chat or something where you talk about me?"

"You're trying to change the subject. I get that this might be uncomfortable for you but I'm trying to help you. Like how you helped me. But I don't know how to help you. Do you want to talk about it? Do you want for us to put a pause on our relationship so that you can focus on your mental health? Whatever you need, I'll help you do it. I just want you to be happy, Colby."

"Oh, I get it." Colby laughs to himself a little.

"What are you talking about?"

"I totally get it. Why do you always suggest breaking up or taking a break when things go bad? It's because you're looking for a way out. For years you were this party girl that didn't settle down. You literally had a different dick, every night and now you're stuck with me. You tested the whole relationship thing out with me and decided that it's not for you but you don't want to hurt me. You probably want to go back to how things were before."

"Why are you being an asshole right now? I'm just trying to help you." My phone starts to ring. I search for it in my bag and mute it.

"Help me? Really? Are you sure you're not trying to help yourself? You're making something out of nothing and saying that we should take a break. I'm starting to think that you don't actually love me. You pretended to be asleep when I first said it and waited a week before saying anything about it."

"Are you kidding me right now? I don't love you? Are you serious? If I didn't love you, I wouldn't have said it at all. I wouldn't have written a whole ass song saying how much I love you. I would 't have given up my apartment to move in with you. For fuck's sakes, I would be wearing the promise ring that you gave me if I didn't love you! I'm not the one making something out of nothing. What is wrong with you?" My phone starts ringing again and I quickly press mute. I need to hear this.

Colby sits silently for a few seconds. Thinking. I can almost see the gears turning in his brain.

"I cheated on you."

"Excuse me?" I stood up quickly. I suddenly don't want to be sitting next to Colby anymore.

"Last night. When I was at the club I cheated on you with some random chick. That's why I didn't want to come home. Not because I was drunk off my ass. I mean, I was really drunk but that was after."

"I-I don't believe you. You're lying. You're trying to hurt me or push me away instead of dealing with your problems. I do not believe that you cheated on me."

"Isabella, listen to me—" My phone rings for the third time and I finally answer it.

"Hello?" I stare at Colby in disbelief.

"Izzy, we're here. Get your ass downstairs or we're going to be late for the meeting." Mike says on the other end.

"Sorry, I'll be down in a minute." I hang up the phone and shove it in my pocket.

"Isabella, I'm telling the truth." Colby tries to touch my hand but I pull it back.

"I refuse to believe that you cheated on me. You can't just accuse me of not loving you and then blurt out that you fucking cheated. Whatever is wrong with you, better be worth hurting me and hurting me, you asshole. Mike, Aryia, and Kat are waiting for me downstairs so I'm going to go to my meeting. While I'm going, you better think about what you need in order for me to help you and we'll deal with it when I get home." I hesitate before kissing Colby on the cheek and leaving the apartment.

****

A tour. That's what the meeting was about. At my album release party a couple of weeks ago, people from the music industry were there. They liked how Mike, Aryia, Kat, and I put the show together. They like it so much they told their bosses about us. They want to put on a smallish tour with the four of us around the country so we can get exposure and build up our momentum. Not a record deal, but a tour that can lead to being signed with a label. An actual dream come true.

Except, I couldn't be as excited at I would normally be for something like this. I had to fake it during the meeting. I had to fake my enthusiasm for something that I feel genuinely excited about. All because I couldn't stop thinking about this morning.

Colby said he cheated on me. Part of me doesn't believe him. Part of me believes that he only said that so I would only hate him for being a cheater instead of an asshole for what he said just before that. Another part of me thinks he might be telling the truth. That last night, when he went out with Mike, Aryia, and Kevin, Colby met some random girl and made the decision to sleep with her. Drunk or not, Colby made that decision knowing that one day I would find out and it would devastate me.

I came home to the apartment empty. Meaning, that somewhere in Los Angles, Colby is avoiding the next conversation we need to have. Which prompts me with two things to do. I walk into the kitchen and go straight for the alcohol stash. We keep the bottles in the bottom cupboard near the sink. I pull all of them out and open a bottle of vodka and hold it over the sink. I hesitate to pour it out. Getting rid of the alcohol won't do anything. He can just go out and buy more or just spend more time at clubs. If anything, it would just make him hate me. Instead, I pour myself a glass and put all the bottles back.

I take my cup and walk into our bedroom. I grab my suitcases from the closet and start shoving all my clothes and shoes in them. After filling both I drag them to my studio room. I'm not going to leave Colby. I wouldn't just pack up my things and leave without at least talking to him. But, based on his lack of being home when we need to talk, our relationship might be on the line. Regardless of what gets decided, I'm going to be sleeping in my studio for a while. I grab my pillows from my side of the bed and one of our extra blankets. I set them on my couch and just sit down with my vodka and phone.

I just drink and stare at my phone. I could check his location. We always have each other's location turned on. But I don't want to see that he's somewhere he shouldn't be or that he turned his location off. Instead, I send Colby a text asking where he is and then put my phone away. I finish my drink and lay down. I stare at the ceiling.

It's the only place in the entire room that has nothing on it. The wall where my couch is has posters and fan art, the backdrop for most of my sit down videos. Directly across from that are my instruments. All my string instrument neatly displayed and easily accessible with my piano under them. The wall where my computer and desks are is completely made from windows. I turned the closet into a makeshift recording studio. The room Colby I could have to work. The room that Colby and I could have easily shared but he insisted on giving it to me. The ceiling is bare. Not that I couldn't put anything up there. Colby and I were going to make it into a project. A mural or something that's dangling down. But for now, it stares back at me as white and bare as the rest of the walls in the apartment. If it wasn't for the XPLR tapestry and the row of Colby cutouts, the entire apartment would be bare. Just like my ceiling.

The living room was Colby's space. That's where he films so he could decorate it how he chooses. But he didn't and that suits him. Our bedroom is a mixture of both of us. Colby even has some posts it's up because he liked the prank Sam did to him at the trap house. I have some of my art pieces up. I didn't like how we had the apartment set up. It felt too much like we had our two separate spaces.

But the more time I spent here with Colby, the more the apartment started to feel like home. Colby feels like home, but right now, the home's been broken into and I don't even know where to start to get everything back in order.

"Izzy? Are you okay?" I feel a hand on my shoulder. I slowly open my eyes to see Kat standing over me.

"What are you doing here? What time is it?" I sit up and start stretching.

"It's six-thirty. Everyone's at Sam's for pizza night. You didn't show up so I asked Colby for your apartment key. Are you okay? You look like you've been crying?" Kat sits down next to me. I touch my face. It's dry but I can feel dried tears.

"Colby is over there? Right now?" I get up and walk into the bathroom to wash my face.

"Yeah, he came a little bit ago. When he came without you, it seemed a bit sus so I asked for his key to see if you were still here. Are you okay, Iz?" Kat leans across the door frame for the bathroom?

"Is he fine? How did he seem?" I grab my toothbrush out of the cup and quickly start brushing.

"Isabella, forget about Colby for a second. Are you okay?"

"Katrina, I'm fine. If you keep asking I'm not going to be fine anymore. I'm just worried about Colby because he flaked on me earlier and I haven't seen him since this morning."

"Is something wrong with you two?"

"Everything is not fine between us. And no, I don't want to talk about it right now because I don't want to go to pizza night with even puffier eyes. I promise, when this situation is figured out, I'll tell you first. Can you help me look decent? My clothes are in the suitcases in my studio."

"Yeah, I can do that." While Kat disappears I finish brushing my teeth and dry my face. I dig through my make up and grab a few things out. I don't have time to do a full face so I just put on lipstick, my eyelids, and try to take care of under my eyes. Kat comes back with fishnets, shorts, and an oversized band tee shirt and gives them to me.

After I finish getting dressed Kat and I make our way over to Sam's where everyone is just mingling and having a good time. Colby is in the corner talking to Reggie about something. We make eye contact for a brief moment before he quickly looks away. I plaster on a fake smile before going to greet everyone.

"Okay, they're back! We can talk about it now!" Mike yells to get everyone's attention.

"Tell them what?" I ask as I grab two slices of pizza and a can of mountain dew.

"They were asking about the meeting. Mike was going to tell them earlier when they asked but I went to get you so you could be here." Kat explains to me.

"Okay, one of you spill it then," Kevin speaks up.

"We met with some people in the industry who wants to... put the four of us on tour, together!" Aryia exclaims from the couch.

"Yeah, they were at Izzy's album release party and like how we put the show together," Kat said now standing next to Sam.

"It's not like a full-blown tour like Ariana Grande. It's more like what they did with Viners. Kind of like MagCon and that other one, digital something. Except, instead of one or two actual talent acts and a bunch of shirtless teenage boys flipping around on stage, they get four real performers. No offense to Sam and Colby." I joke as I sit on the couch. Colby comes over and joins me. He puts his arm around me and I stiffen. Everyone else continues talking about the tour and asking questions. The whole time I just count the minutes until pizza night is over

Colby and I are one of the first people to leave Sam's apartment. I didn't want to leave early. Normally we're one of the last to leave. But Colby said he was tired so I followed.

"Colby, we need to talk," I say after locking the front door.

"Can't we just save it for tomorrow? I'm exhausted." Colby is near the bedroom.

"No, because if we do, you'll just disappear in the morning before I wake up. And then I probably won't see you until bedtime. And I can't do that again." I slowly walk to the couch and sit down. Colby hesitates before finally joining me. This time he keeps his distance.

"For the record, I wouldn't have skipped out on you like that." He runs his hands through his hair. His partly blue hair that he dyed before we went to Coachella.

"Frankly, after today, I don't think I believe you. Look, Colby, I know that I shouldn't have bombarded you this morning and pressured you into making a decision. But given the circumstances, you're going to have to make a decision."

"Why are you talking like that? You're stressing me out more. And yeah, I was a bit overwhelmed this morning, but I can't make that decision. Not right now." I watch as he fidgets with his rings.

"You have to. I can't just sit here and watch you suffer. You're going down the same path that I was going to and that can only lead to— I don't know how you did it but I can't lose you. Not like that. I'm willing to help you, but you have to allow me. So, there are two questions that need to be answered. First, how can I help you get better?" I watch as Colby thinks. We stay silent for a seconds before Colby runs his hand through his hair again.

"I don't want to break up. But I don't need any special help. I'll talk to you about everything. Maybe that'll help. Just you being there, that'll help."

"Okay, then I'll be here. You can talk to me whenever about whatever. I'll be here to listen. And anything else you need to get you better."

"Well, that's settled. What about the second question?" Colby is even more nervous than he was earlier. Because he knows what the next question is going to be.

"Did you really cheat on me?"

"No," he answers quickly, "but I thought about it. I was close to doing it, but I didn't."

"What do you mean by close? Did you choose a girl? Were you about to go to her place?"

"We were in the bathroom and at the literal last second before I could do any real damage, I backed out."

"You— I can't believe this. And you dared to accuse me of not loving you anymore when you went and did that. You know what? I may be stupid for doing this but, I'll stay to help you. I'll stay with you but you're on thin fucking ice. For now, I'm staying in my office."

"That's ridiculous, I'll take the couch. You can stay in the bedroom."

"No, the room smells like you and I'm mad at you right now. Let's just go to bed. We can talk in the morning." I get up from the couch and start walking to my office. I reach the door before turning around. Colby is still on the couch with his head in his hands.

"Oh, and Colby?"

"Yeah?" He slowly lifts his head and looks me in the eyes. They're watery.

"I love you."

"I love you too." I smile softly before disappearing into the room.

[rhiezus]

          Speak Now by Taylor Swift as Our Ships, Characters & More

(disclaimer: i don’t really remember this album, except for a few songs so it’s definitely gonna be like a first listen after a long time so keep it in mind that i’ll probably change opinions a lot according to as it goes)

Mine

Man, this song is a rollercoaster of nostalgia. But... Looking as it is this song is like the march band song of Jinhwan and Bomin, because after all the hard work and stuff, the fact that both had parents who didn’t exactly lived a nice love and they didn’t knew exactly how to portray that once they found each other but they learned it pretty fast tho. Could be Nayoung and Keun? No because, even though she comes from a fucked up background this just... the vibe just isn’t. Oh my god, Danbi and Daehyun too...

You were in college, working part-time, waiting tables Left a small town and never looked back I was a flight risk, with a fear of falling Wondering why we bother with love, if it never lasts

I mean... This is exactly Bomin and Jinhwan.

Do you remember, we were sitting there, by the water? You put your arm around me for the first time You made a rebel of a careless man's careful daughter You are the best thing that's ever been mine

But this... It also reminds me of Danbi and Daehyun, so... yeah.

But we got bills to pay We got nothing figured out When it was hard to take Yes, yes

I’ll finish it of with this part: Reality is starting to set in and discourage her. Paying bills is one of the most common annoyances in life. Although they have these problems, when you truly love somebody, you don’t let anything get in the way of that. A relationship can be put to the test when real life sets in, and everything isn’t about romance. However, we can see from the song’s bridge that things turned out very well for them.

Sparks Fly

Because of Taylor’s description, I think this is Julie and Valak:  is about falling for someone that you maybe shouldn’t fall for, but you can‘t stop yourself because there’s such a connection, there’s such chemistry. Isn’t this exactly how they happened?

Drop everything now Meet me in the pouring rain Kiss me on the sidewalk Take away the pain 'Cause I see sparks fly whenever you smile Get me with those green eyes, baby, as the lights go down Give me something that'll haunt me when you're not around 'Cause I see sparks fly whenever you smile

Seriously? The pouring rain here is the booty call... And then I remembered Julie masturbating thinking about Valak kkjkjkjkk nO BUt c’mon, yeah. “haunt me when you’re not around”, also Julie being the only person Valak ever saw... It’s the connection.

My mind forgets to remind me You're a bad idea You touch me once and it's really something You find I'm even better than you imagined I would be I'm on my guard for the rest of the world But with you I know it's no good And I could wait patiently but I really wish you would

I talked so much about them on that urstyle look that I have nothing to say except just show it to you. Oh my god, this is Ruy to Hai too... Jesus! I don’t know the feeling of falling in love even though you shouldn’t because you know it’s probably not gonna lead anywhere... It’s there. It’s this two ships.

I run my fingers through your hair and watch the lights go wild Just keep on keeping your eyes on me, it's just wrong enough to make it feel right And lead me up the staircase Won't you whisper soft and slow? I'm captivated by you, baby, like a firework show

I love genius on this: Again, a sexual reference. The original lyrics of “it’s wrong enough to make it feel right” were “gonna strike this match tonight,” implying that the two are going to have sex. SEE? SEE? It’s Julie and Valak, but also Ruy to Hai. And it’s rock enough gonna imagine Ruy covering this on a Coachella and everyone going like, wtf???? But everyone also jamming cause well it’s Taylor Swift.

Back To December

Damn, I so thought of jumping this but this is the song that started this all so I just couldn’t and I wanted to listen to it. This is also the song that made me do this in December, it was a must. I’m just gonna include a few genius things for this to keep confirming it’s identity to a particular situation/ship. But also, let’s appreciate the lyrics as always.

I'm so glad you made time to see me How's life? Tell me, how's your family? I haven't seen them in a while You've been good, busier than ever We small talk, work, and the weather Your guard is up and I know why

We all know how this went, Nayoung seriously concerned about his family and the fact that Keun was working a lot, it’s also incredible that we already been through their break up and that now they are officially reunited again, it’s crazy. The “your guard is up and i know why” is my favorite part in this. And: This is about a person who was incredible to me- just perfect in a relationship, and I was really careless with him. So, this is a song full of words that I would say to him that he deserves to hear.

So this is me swallowing my pride Standing in front of you, saying I'm sorry for that night And I'd go back to December all the time It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine

That december night, actually it was not at night it was like afternoon-ish because I imagine it was a pretty sky and rained, so it was like very chilly which made Nayoung get sick for walking in the rain like that. But mostly because that day changed her for good, after that she was a different person, a more decisive and strong person... It’s very beautiful. AND THE “FREEDOM AINT NOTHING BUT MISSING YOU” YEAH. 

And then the cold came The dark days when fear crept into my mind You gave me all your love, and all I gave you was goodbye

Genius: Taylor reflects on the relationship as she wishes she could have pushed through her fears to make things work.

I miss your tan skin, your sweet smile So good to me, so right And how you held me in your arms that September night The first time you ever saw me cry Maybe this is wishful thinking Probably mindless dreaming But if we loved again, I swear I'd love you right I'd go back in time and change it, but I can't So if the chain is on your door, I understand

We know pretty much everything else so, for last I’m gonna leave us with the genius explanation: About that “change my own mind” Taylor felt insecure about their relationship and didn’t trust TL (have to call him that or else it’ll be too confusing), so she broke up with him. Now she sees that he was trustworthy all along and wants to go back in time, tell herself to trust him, so they can be together again. Glady time passed, and they are happily together though, can you just imagine if Keun had decided not to get off the car that day? Or if Nayoung just didn’t try to leave for Busan? Or better, if Sanchan just kept his mouth shut? No? Me neither. I think somehow they’d still have met and would be back together because it’s Nayoung and Keun.

Speak Now

I had to read the whole lyrics and genius descriptions before to say I think this is Chihye and Lian, but like in a different sense, not a wedding one. This could definitely be Soonyi to Sanghee if they had met before he got married to Jihu, yeah because of the feeling of the song it’s much more her than Chihye. But the lyrics tho it’s Lian coming to Busan after being mia for years and Chihye is married to his best friend. 

I am not the kind of girl Who should be rudely barging in On a white veil occasion But you are not the kind of boy Who should be marrying the wrong girl

See? Also I think Haneul probably did a cover of this when Hyuntae was all in those kdramas, maybe he did once when he got like married in the end and she sang this in an Instagram live and people died laughing.

This is surely not What you thought it would be I lose myself in a daydream Where I stand and say [...] Don't say yes, run away now I'll meet you when you're out Of the church at the back door Don't wait or say a single vow You need to hear me out And they said "speak now"

But the “this is surely not what you thought it would be” it’s definitely about Chihye and Pyongho’s, also Jihu and Sanghee marriage... Isn’t it? Both got married because a child was on this way and they thought they could really fall in love and at some point they really were in love, but it faded off and suddenly they had no idea how to carry that on or if so break it but how? Because there was a child on the way. Oh my god, how did I forgot Inna, tHIS IS TOTALLY INNA DREAMING WHEN SHE HEARD PYONGHO WAS GETTING MARRIED TO CHIHYE AND THAT’S WHY SHE DIDN’T WENT ON THEIR WEDDING JESUS CHRIST IM SO SORRY I FORGOT HER EXISTENCE, THIS IS HER!!

Fond gestures are exchanged And the organ starts to play A song that sounds like a death march And I am hiding in the curtains It seems that I was uninvited By your lovely bride-to-be [...] She floats down the aisle Like a pageant queen But I know you wish it was me You wish it was me (Don't you)

Jesus christ, this is Inna dreaming that Pyongho didn’t marry Chihye and actually didn’t went to the wedding because she was really afraid she would ruin it and she was scared to see that Pyongho could actually have feelings for Chihye. She definitely wished it was her and I think for a while Pyongho did too.

I hear the preacher say "Speak now or forever hold your peace" There's the silence, there's my last chance I stand up with shaking hands, all eyes on me Horrified looks from everyone in the room But I'm only looking at you [...] I am not the kind of girl Who should be rudely barging in On a white veil occasion But you are not the kind of boy Who should be marrying the wrong girl

I’m speechless, this is totally Inna even how the song goes... 

And you say "Let's run away now I'll meet you when I'm out of my tux at the back door" Baby, I didn't say my vows So glad you were around when they said "Speak now"

This is such a happy but sad song, especially knowing that she didn’t go and that didn’t happen, but that it totally would if she would say that, wouldn’t it? It would. And the genius just adds up: One of my friends … the guy she had been in love with since childhood was marrying this other girl. And my first inclination was to say, ‘Well, are you gonna speak now?’ And then I started thinking about what I would do if I was still in love with someone who was marrying someone who they shouldn’t be marrying. And so I wrote this song about exactly what my game plan would be. And lastly, Gok Inna here on: she “[lost herself] in a daydream” about objecting to her ex’s marriage.

Dear John

Yes I’m gonna make you listen to this whole song because there was a lot of time I cried thinking about this song and it’s meaning, and I’ve waited a long time to tell you about this. Okay so, this album there is a lot of sad songs involving Nayoung’s life what the fuck. First to explain let me begin with the lyrics:

Long were the nights when My days once revolved around you Counting my footsteps Praying the floor won't fall through... again

Nayoung was like 15 when she first met the nameless, and he was like this co-worker older guy he was almost like 25-30/so and he was really nice towards her, they played a few parts together of course not as a couple yet because of the age gap but he became a friend and because he was successful I think Chihye let her be around with him. That’s the age Nayoung started going up to parties with the actor's crew, Kim Yura (who I think is a few years older than her, yes like 1 or 2) and such... And such as any male predator he made her feel good for hanging out with them like it was a privilege, because of that she was obsessed with making him proud and making him notice her. First, she never had a father figure around, so she has daddy issues and second, she never had someone treat her like that, so she wanted to stand out to him. 

You paint me a blue sky Then go back and turn it to rain And I lived in your chess game But you changed the rules every day Wonderin' which version of you I might get on the phone, tonight Well I stopped pickin' up and this song is to let you know why

Literally, she was a kid and he was a really old man who got close to her. At first, he was really careful, he was just like a friend, he used to buy her gifts, take her to parties and then back at her home like just to gain her and her mother’s trust. Which he did, that’s why Nayoung though she was in love and he had such fucked up games just like her mom that she thought this was the right way to love. Once he would give her stuff and then she’d call him and he’d say she was too fat on her last drama, so she’d believe him and go on crazy diets to make him see she was like “the good girl” he and her mother loved too much. Then he’d reward her for that, he’d take her on a date or something... Fucked up, I know but keep up.

Dear John, I see it all now that you're gone Don't you think I was too young to be messed with The girl in the dress cried the whole way home I shoulda' known

I think they only went on a real relationshi-ish when she finally hit 17 to 18, because it was almost legal and he started giving her favors and more contracts to dramas. Yes, he was a very powerful man and I think that was the time Nayoung became really famous because he was favoring her and she was doing exactly what he wanted her to do. It was extremely toxic maybe even more toxic than with her mom, but because she was young and everyone was okay with it, she was too. Honestly, I think Nayoung even though she loved him, she really did, she thought it was the best relationship she ever had (because she never had any). 

Dear John, I see it all now it was wrong Don't you think nineteen's too young To be played by your dark, twisted games When I loved you so? I shoulda' known

Nineteen was the time they probably had sex for the first time, yes, she played her all those years just for that. And it was terrible, I think that was when Nayoung felt it was really wrong because she always saw him as a good person but in the end, all he wanted was for her to be his doll, to follow him up and give everything he wanted, including sex. I even imagined after they had sex, she really hated because it was no good and he became even more manipulative towards her, so she finally stopped caring for him, stopped picking up his calls and started to ignore him, not really go to all parties when he was there and stuff. So he got mad and wanted to cut her off a bunch of shows and dramas, but since Nayoung was becoming more famous than he’d thought she would he couldn’t, so that’s why he started aiming for someone else. 

You are an expert at sorry And keeping the lines blurry Never impressed by me acing your tests All the girls that you've run dry have tired lifeless eyes 'Cause you burned them out But I took your matches Before fire could catch me So don't look now I'm shining like fireworks Over your sad empty town, yeah

Like I said, she stopped caring for him and started moving on with her life as an actress so she became really big at that time, she was at the peak of her age and everyone loved her for being “the good girl”, “the angel”. Even though Nameless was a really bad man who chased young girls, Nayoung got out before he really fucked her even more than he did, so that’s why she felt like shining at the time without knowing the consequences he left on the term “love” for her. That’s why it was always hard for her to trust people, especially men. Also, the reason I think she was never really best friends with Mark even though they did work together, they were just co-workers. Before that, she was also best friends with Kim Yura, but because she backed off their group of friends a little, Yura became really mad and they drifted away. But I don’t think that’s something Nayoung really had the courage to explain to anyone because she never knew how? The only time she did was to a psychics after she and Keun broke up like they were trying to understand all her trauma and he probably explained that what her mother had was not really a good idea of love, that’s when she understood that Nameless wasn’t too and they talked about it. And you knew that story, but I think you always knew as Keun like only from above that it was toxic, so now you have the real details and how it all came to me when I listen to Dear John. 

Mean

What a country twist, sometimes I forget this is Taylor’s old album. This is about someone that said she really couldn’t sing and trashed her performance, so she did this song and looking at this I think this is Sulji to everyone who says she is weird and didn’t really deserve to be in Attik. Also her to JYP when she was kicked off. I can’t really see any other reasons, you name it. 

You, with your words like knives And swords and weapons that you use against me You have knocked me off my feet again Got me feeling like I'm nothing You, with your voice like nails on a chalkboard Calling me out when I'm wounded You, picking on the weaker man

And the way the song goes through is very Sulji alike. The genius, Taylor said something that literally looks like Sulji in an interview: Some days I’m fine and I can just brush it off and go about my day, but some days it absolutely levels me. All I can do is continue to try to work hard every single day and feel everything.

Someday, I'll be living in a big old city And all you're ever gonna be is mean Someday, I'll be big enough so you can't hit me And all you're ever gonna be is mean Why you gotta be so mean?

Seriously? Yeah, that’s the only thing I can see for this song. Remember her crying in front of Keun? She went home listening to Mean by Taylor Swift, I’m kidding she probably doesn’t listen to Taylor but still... This song translates the feeling.

And I can see you years from now in a bar Talking over a football game With that same big loud opinion But nobody's listening Washed up and ranting about the same old bitter things Drunk and grumbling on about how I can't sing But all you are is mean All you are is mean And a liar, and pathetic, and alone in life And mean, and mean, and mean, and mean

I love Sulji’s development, she came from criticizing people on the internet to being one of those people she probably already criticized so she grew a lot when she was about to debut because she realized for real how life was hard. Before she used to just brush it off as if it didn’t hurt her at all, but as she finally did something she was passionate about and had a reason for it, she didn’t wanna lose it so she worked very hard. That’s probably why Keun put her to debut even though she didn’t have a lot of time practicing with Attik, because she was open to every critique to work hard and develop, that’s why she did. She wanted people to change their minds about her, her family and ex-colleagues, but at some point, after debuting she just realized some people are just mean for no reason at all and after all that, she was a good person and very hardworking and if they couldn’t appreciate that it was really their lost. She just came a long way for her mom not caring about her existence, then being bullied, then kicked out of a company, just to debut and work to be better... So this song speaks a lot about the people who don’t deserve her time.

But someday, I'll be living in a big old city And all you're ever gonna be is mean, yeah

So yeah, there is that.

The Story Of Us

Damn, I love this song. I’m dying I was just reading genius and I hate how much Hyuntae and Haneul this song is. Congrats Haneul you have another Taylor song, really, rEAlly. 

I used to think one day, we'd tell the story of us How we met, and the sparks flew instantly And people would say, they're the lucky ones I used to know my place was a spot next to you Now I'm searching the room for an empty seat 'Cause lately, I don't even know what page you're on

Exactly right after they break up, I think there was always this heavy cloud between May-b and WNDR because everything was great and had this bunch of couples and because they were from the same company they always had to be around each other sometimes. Which was weird now because Haneul had no idea where Hyuntae minds were after he broke up she felt like she didn’t know him at all as she thought she did so, of course, she wanted to hate him, but she couldn’t because it was Hyuntae and they had to work together sometimes too. Just like Taylor said: is about running into someone I had been in a relationship with at an awards show, and we were seated a few seats away from each other. I just wanted to say to him, “Is this killing you? Because it’s killing me. But I didn’t. But I couldn’t. Because we both had these silent shields up. YEAH. LET ME IMAGINE WNDR AND MAYB IN THOSE KOREAN AWARDS ACTING REALLY WEIRD AND PEOPLE TAKING PICS AND STUFF. 

How'd we end up this way? See me nervously pulling at my clothes and trying to look busy And you're doing your best to avoid me I'm starting to think one day, I'll tell the story of us Of how I was losing my mind when I saw you here But you held your pride like you should've held me

This also remembers me when Hyuntae left his pride to apologize to her but this only made Haneul be even more angry towards him, because he made her feel like it was her fault or as if she didn’t know him at all when she did and he just twisted by being a total coward. She totally lost her mind over something she never thought she would, because Haneul always had this idealized idea of love, that Hyuntae didn’t know how to portray at first and perhaps that’s why he felt like he was not suited for her expectations or to his as well. And genius: Now, instead of experiencing a great life with him, she can’t even sit by him without feeling awkward.

This is looking like a contest Of who can act like they care less But I liked it better when you were on my side The battle's in your hands now But I would lay my armor down If you say you'd rather love than fight So many things that you wish I knew But the story of us might be ending soon

All those covers and acting shady like she didn’t care or like she cared too much, I think at some point Haneul just grew tired and realized how childish she was for doing this when Hyuntae didn’t even care and that’s why he broke up in the first place, right? So that’s why “The battle’s in your hands now”, says a lot. And “so many things that you wish i knew” is exactly what I said that Hyuntae said but didn’t have the courage to. This song is Haneul mad about everything but at the same time letting her guard down because she is curious about them and because she misses him, trying to know if he still does too. 

Never Grow Up

This song is so sad and so boring at the same time but here we go. I think this is for Yehjin and Kuen at the same time because I don’t know why... I feel like Yehjin would have this feeling for Kuen ever since she was born: listen up.

Your little hand's wrapped around my finger And it's so quiet in the world tonight Your little eyelids flutter cause you're dreaming So I tuck you in, turn on your favorite night light To you everything's funny, you got nothing to regret I'd give all I have, honey If you could stay like that

On genius, Taylor said: ‘Never Grow Up’ is a song about the fact that I don’t quite know how I feel about growing up. It’s tricky. Growing up happens without you knowing it. Growing up is such a crazy concept because a lot of times when you were younger you wish you were older. I look out into a crowd every night and I see a lot of girls that are my age and going through exactly the same things as I’m going through. Every once in a while I look down and I see a little girl who is seven or eight, and I wish I could tell her all of this. There she is becoming who she is going to be and forming her thoughts and dreams and opinions. I wrote this song for those little girls. Tell me if this isn’t Yehjin deep down to Kuen? 

Take pictures in your mind of your childhood room Memorize what it sounded like when your dad gets home Remember the footsteps, remember the words said And all your little brother's favorite songs I just realized everything I have is someday gonna be gone

Seriously? Everything. Even though sometimes Kuen is a pain in her ass, since little it was her best company because Kuen was born when Yehjin was already a teenager so I think she tried to protect her in every sense even though when she was older Kuen made fun with her, still, they were always really close. I can totally picture ten-year-old something Yehjin holding baby Kuen and thinking how she wished her to stay that little forever, just like she wished not to grew older.

So here I am in my new apartment In a big city, they just dropped me off It's so much colder than I thought it would be So I tuck myself in and turn my night light on Wish I'd never grown up I wish I'd never grown up

This part is exactly how Yehjin will be in a few years with the same feeling.

Enchanted

I have many ships for this moment of meeting someone and realizing this could be something really big like love first: Hana and Mark, because ever since they met for a few seconds in the club it was exactly how Hana felt for a little while and then on the coffee shop again, it was the same wonderstruck feeling that Taylor describes, so it happened twice even though they had no clue yet it could be love at first sight thing. Second, Ella and John. Because? I don’t know, the vibe from the song and how they met and she is totally in love, sounds like Ella to John. Third, Jinhwan and Bomin, that’s exactly how it went since they first met at the market and he was just selling seeds... Yura and Chiyo, ever since they first encounter there was something in the air and Yura was enchanted to met her. Probably Yehjin and Chang too. Oh my god, Hyanggi and Hyunki. IS THEIR SONG SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There I was again tonight Forcing laughter, faking smiles Same old tired, lonely place Walls of insincerity, shifting eyes and vacancy Vanished when I saw your face All I can say is, it was enchanting to meet you

Let’s go back to Hana and Mark for a second, because Hana hated being a model and when she met Mark over the coffee shop and they became friends it was different? It was like a grown-up feeling she had, he was different from everyone on the field and he was really nice, funny... So yeah. Bomin faking the rich life that her dad wanted for her, finding something real and risky for the first time ever. Yura also, faking it, even though she was finally openly gay she still had a long way to go towards life until she met Chiyo who opened her for so many things else. And Hyanggi, who finally would have a real love thing, even though she didn’t expect it at all.

Your eyes whispered, "Have we met?" Across the room your silhouette Starts to make its way to me The playful conversation starts Counter all your quick remarks Like passing notes in secrecy And it was enchanting to meet you All I can say is, I was enchanted to meet you

There is a lot of ships, but you still can see it, yes? I can. I’m still speechless by Hyanggi and Hyunki though because it blew my mind. “like passing notes in secrecy”, isn’t that them exactly? There was a total spark ever since they first crossed eyes, yes.

The lingering question kept me up 2AM, who do you love? I wonder 'til I'm wide awake And now I'm pacing back and forth Wishing you were at my door I'd open up and you would say, "Hey" It was enchanting to meet you All I know is I was enchanted to meet you

This part “who do you love”, is very Hana when she realized she was falling in love head over heels for Mark and I think that’s how she found out. She was like “really? I care about who does he love? why?” that’s when it hit her off. The door part too reminds me of Hyanggi with Hyunki, actually wishing he would take action because she had a crush on him and for the first time didn’t know how to act around a guy. 

Please don't be in love With someone else Please don't have somebody Waiting on you Please don't be in love With someone else Please don't have somebody Waiting on you

Just to finish off to say how this song connects the feelings between a lot of ships. She whispering, this is so Hana... And the fact that she is so stupid and would rather wait on him than to actually say she was in love with him, it says a lot. Also, I can totally imagine this song in the background of their romance/story, you know when you put on a song, close your eyes and you can see all the keys scenes from a ship like on a movie scene? Yeah.

Better Than Revenge

This song is between Jihu and Soonyi because: “Better Than Revenge” is rumored to be about actress Camilla Belle, who infamously stole Joe Jonas' heart while he was dating Taylor. /// Also, this is Linlin to Danbi when she thought there was something going on between her and Mingyu.

The story starts when it was hot and it was summer and I had it all, I had him right there, where I wanted him She came along, got him alone, and let's hear the applause She took him faster than you can say sabotage

Right? Right.

She's not a saint and she's not what you think She's an actress, whoa She's better known for the things that she does On the mattress, whoa Soon she's gonna find stealing other people's toys On the playground won't make you many friends She should keep in mind, she should keep in mind There is nothing I do better than revenge, HA!

The “shes not a saint, she's an actress” is so Danbi to Linlin, maybe I think that’s why Linlin never liked Danbi in the first place because Danbi is such a good girl on everyone’s else’s eyes and Linlin always thought she is fake. 

I'm just another thing for you to roll your eyes at, honey You might have him, but haven't you heard? I'm just another thing for you to roll your eyes at, honey You might have him, but I always get the last word

Also, this part “i always get the last word” I feel like is very Jihu’s personality. 

Innocent

Stay with me alright? This is a long album, I just realized it now, for god sakes... I feel like this is about Chihye, literally everyone to Chihye, because:

I guess you really did it this time Left yourself in your war path Lost your balance on a tightrope Lost your mind trying to get it back

Although this song is Taylor to Kanye, yes again. The lyrics hit me about Chihye a lot and all her trajectory of being mean without even knowing it.

Wasn't it easier in your lunchbox days? Always a bigger bed to crawl into Wasn't it beautiful when you believed in everything And everybody believed in you?

Yes, when she had a nice life with parents and friends, and lived it big thinking she’d be rich forever until it all breaks down and she had to live in the street, surviving to a be a completely different person but having no idea how. It’s like her whole life was destinated towards tragedy and instead of fighting against it, she just let it be. 

It's alright, just wait and see Your string of lights is still bright to me Oh, who you are is not where you've been You're still an innocent

I feel this speaks a lot of Hansol and Nayoung to Chihye, like she always acted like a big baby even though she was their mother. And only they are capable to know what they’ve been through, that’s why sometimes I feel like they’d protect her because it was toxic in a way only they could understand. Also, in some aspects, this is Lian like you spoke last time, the only one who remembers her in a nice light like the “innocent” one.

Did some things you can't speak of But at night you live it all again You wouldn't be shattered on the floor now If only you had seen what you know now then

I think as Chihye was getting older and with a lot of personality disorders, Hansol couldn’t get away from her because deep down he knew she was suffering too and that she only had him who cared about her in this world. It’s strange because even though both were raised by her, Hansol had more of an understanding of Chihye’s feelings than Nayoung ever did. So he knew how hurting she got on her last years alive, how sorry she felt and how she just wished it to be over even if she didn’t say it.

Wasn't it easier in your firefly-catching days? When everything out of reach, someone bigger brought down to you Wasn't it beautiful running wild 'til you fell asleep Before the monsters caught up to you?

Sad, I know. I’m not gonna say anything anymore, it’s just Chihye’s last years alive. What I mean is: Rest in peace, Chihye, you really do deserve some peace after all.

Haunted

What a weird song, I didn’t remember this one. Anyways, this could be Kayn and Araki but mostly I think is Jihu and Sanghee (yes, I’m gonna insist in these characters, you will see why). This could even be Kyungri about her dad, seriously.

You and I walk a fragile line I have known it all this time But I never thought I'd live to see it break It's getting dark and it's all too quiet And I can't trust anything now And it's coming over you like it's all a big mistake

Seriously? The only thing I think ain’t Kayn and Araki is because of the dark twist, is like she is pledging for him not to go and this isn’t them. 

Whoa, holding my breath Won't lose you again Something's made your eyes go cold

I think this is Kyungri and her dad now, nothing is gonna change my mind.

Come on, come on, don't leave me like this I thought I had you figured out Something's gone terribly wrong You're all I wanted Come on, come on, don't leave me like this I thought I had you figured out Can't breathe whenever you're gone Can't turn back now, I'm haunted

Last Kiss

Oh finally this album is coming to an end, it’s been almost 3 hours on the row why did I decide to talk too much?! I love this song so much for no reason at all, is just a really beautiful song and a breakup song so it’s hard because there isn’t a lot of painful breakups that we talk much as the ones we talk much... But I feel like this is Bonghu and Sanchan. Could it be Nayoung and Keun, yes? But I think is too much of a melancholic feeling for their breakup. This is more like something that happened and went on for a long time, probably Seulgi and Hailey or even at some short period Sulji and Seth. Yes, I will take responsibility for everyone that I said. But mostly, Bonghu and Sanchan definitely. 

I still remember the look on your face Lit through the darkness at 1:58 The words that you whispered For just us to know You told me you loved me So why did you go away? Away

Now it feels stupid that they had to break up at that time, but weren’t they just trying to find a reason to be free for something that they thought it would be big when in fact it really wasn’t? 

I do recall now the smell of the rain Fresh on the pavement I ran off the plane That July 9th The beat of your heart It jumps through your shirt I can still feel your arms

Haneul also listened to this for the time she spent in bed sad about her breakup with Hyuntae, but it was just for a while. She probably cried a lot to this one. 

But now I'll go sit on the floor Wearing your clothes All that I know is I don't know how to be something you miss I never thought we'd have a last kiss Never imagined we'd end like this Your name, forever the name on my lips

I hate this part because it reminds me when I listened to this thinking about Nayoung and Keun’s break up and I would picture her literally using Keun’s shirt and just sitting on the floor thinking about them and every moment they had together.

I do remember the swing of your step The life of the party, you're showing off again And I roll my eyes and then You pull me in I'm not much for dancing But for you I did

Suddenly this is Seulgi and Hailey, the difference between their personalities and how much in the period they weren’t together they missed each other, not much like lovers but more as best friends as they always were. Seulgi did, in fact, a bunch of things she never thought she would for Hailey and Hailey also did things for Seulgi she’d never thought she would.

Because I love your handshake, meeting my father I love how you walk with your hands in your pockets How you kissed me when I was in the middle of saying something There's not a day I don't miss those rude interruptions

This reminds me of Haneul and Hyuntae a lot, but also Bonghu and Sanchan.

So I'll watch your life in pictures like I used to watch you sleep And I feel you forget me like I used to feel you breathe And I keep up with our old friends just to ask them how you are Hope it's nice where you are

This part! This part right here is why I said Sulji and Seth, “life in pictures” and “hope it’s nice where you are”. I don’t believe Sulji had such a melancholic feeling of their relationship like this song, but she did have good feelings for it and that’s why I said this could be them too, she recalls it nicely like the only thing that lasted well for her. And how their friendship was something beyond young kids love, so they moved on quietly and nicely for it, they were real grown-ups in their breakup, I'm proud of them for it, there wasn’t bickering like there is in almost any breakup we have.

Long Live

I’m gonna used this moment to dedicate this song for our generations in general but most important for us and our imaginary world that somehow brought us the energy to keep moving forward in our hard times, which brings us joy and that just strength this friendship to be something I never imagined. Thank you, I love you forever bro.

You held your head like a hero On a history book page It was the end of a decade But the start of an age

I feel like this couldn’t be more right, the fact that I pushed this to be on the last days of the year, the decade. To where we met almost six years ago and how we became really best friends for almost 3 years now, just imagining things that never happened but that brings us something extraordinary. We still have a long way to live and hopefully always together, so this is to you, to us!

Long live the walls we crashed through All the kingdom lights shined just for me and you I was screaming, long live all the magic we made And bring on all the pretenders One day, we will be remembered

Long live to all our stories, our dreams, our plans, ambitions, and secrets we share so deeply. I sound so melancholic in this but I have to because I feel like things are about to change but not this, the connection we have is bound to be forever and I always have to thank you for that. We are exceptional.

Will you take a moment? Promise me this That you'll stand by me forever But if, God forbid, fate should step in And force us into a goodbye If you have children someday When they point to the pictures Please tell them my name Tell them how the crowds went wild Tell them how I hope they shine Long live the walls we crashed through I had the time of my life, with you

*peace sign* I love you, Happy New Year and that we keep this friendship forever, even if things get crazy and life steps in, I hope we can always count on each other and out great imagination because that brings me faith. 

[scriptureofashes]

(Not) Guilty (Part 1/2)

So by popular demand, here it is, folks. The direct sequel to (Not) Sorry. This will be a two part piece (which will then be later posted in whole in my ao3) and as I tell you in the ao3 version, a winteriron fic.

Enjoy Part 1! (Enjoy about 5000 words written through blood and sweat lmao I need sleep)

Rhodey found him in the shop. Obviously.

“Well, that could’ve gone worse.”

Tony muttered something in return, made unintelligible by the screwdriver in his mouth. He wasn’t in the mood for basic socialization. He never was, frankly.

“Tones.”

Tony kept working.

“Tony.”

“Are the legs acting up again? I’ve been working on something that can recalibrate—”

Rhodey sighed. “Tony, come on—”

“Come on what.”

The sound of the screwdriver slamming on the table echoed, loud and uncomfortable. Tony winced. He didn’t mean to be so dramatic. Well, he didn’t mean to be more dramatic than usual.

“Sorry. I—sorry.”

“What are you even apologizing for?”

Ruining your life? Ruining other people’s lives? Ruining the world as we know it?

“I ate your pancake share. I’d feel guilty, but Bruce’s cooking kind of counteracts any sort of negative emotion. I suspect Strange did something.”

Rhodey’s unimpressed eyebrow was enough to tell his bullshit had been called.

“First, you took my share right out of my hands and ran off with the most maniacal laugh I’ve ever heard from you. Second, you’re not working on anything even remotely related to what you just said, considering the Captain America shield is on full display.”

Tony blinked. Well, I never thought I’d see the day I’d bring this much stupid into my own workshop.

“Tony, what are you doing?”

He sighed. “Nothing. Fri, if you please.”

“Yes, boss.” The hologram immediately changed into Mark XLVII.

“Nothing? That didn’t look like nothing. You’re not giving them upgrades, are you?”

Tony’s silence was answer enough.

“I’m going to beat your ass.”

“That’s not nice.”

“God, Tony,” Rhodey sighed, again. He rounded the table and took the wrench right out of his hold. “Did you simply forget what happened? What Rogers said? What Barton said?”

“Of course I didn’t forget, but whether I like it or not the ‘gang’,” he did the air quotes and everything, “Is back at it again, and it’s my job to provide with what I can.”

“No, it’s not. You’re doing this out of the goodness in your heart, is what you’re doing. Don’t deny it, damn it,” he warned as Tony prepared to argue. “You’ve settled things so that they could return, for duty. For our home. For our world. You’ve signed the pardon, for duty. You’ve put on the suit once more, for duty. But this?”

Rhodey waved the wrench in his face.

“This isn’t an obligation. This is another attempt of yours at an apology, at reconciliation, with you being the one to put aside your pride and dignity, like always.”

“Did you maybe consider I wanted to see whether mine or Shuri’s tech would work best?”

“Right, because you haven’t already had 5-hour long Skype conversations with her and incorporated her methods into yours.”

Guilty.

It was Rhodey’s turn to slam his hand on the table.

“You’re already playing host. You’re already giving up your time, money and space to house them, when the government could’ve perfectly done that themselves without you having yet another mental breakdown over these assholes.”

“To be fair, the government would have given them atrocious installations and—”

“And it would have been well deserved.”

In his experience, Tony knew arguing with Rhodey when he was that riled up would be fruitless, so he said nothing. He hadn’t been about to disagree, per se. It would be a long-overdue lesson in humility. But he just… knew. He knew they would think he was behind the whole ordeal, that he would be the one to demand them placed in heinous lodging out of spite, sneering at him for it behind his back.

As if they don’t do that already.

Still. He wasn’t about to risk getting shot in the knee during the upcoming battle by what they all would claim was an alien, turning a blind eye to Barton’s suddenly emptier quiver.

“Look, Tones.” For a minute, Rhodey didn’t say anything. He had his ‘My best friend is an idiot and I don’t know how to deal with it’ brow on. “I’m not saying they shouldn’t be here. They’re the only ones that can help. But I’ve noticed something. Something that’s been happening since the very beginning of this whole Avengers business.”

“In my defense, I haven’t had much time to go to the dresser and cover them up—”

“It’s not your grey hairs. Though it might be related,” he said. He looked thoughtful, instead of defiant. “You compromise. A lot. You compromise with everyone in all senses of the word, even where the smallest of things is concerned.”

He paused.

“You compromise where you shouldn’t. Maybe it’s time you stopped that.”

“Fri?”

“It’s 3:42 in the am, boss. No one is in the kitchen.”

Tony would have fired a comeback about late night cravings for some leftover chinese, which was a real thing that afflicted everyone, but the relief at finally being able to wander around his own house without imminent risk swallowed it back. Granted, he was popping out because Bruce had apparently stress-baked blueberry muffins and those went divine with coffee, but it counted as leaving the shop.

After 36 hours. He could swear Pepper found a way to project herself into his mind to chide him at the proper occasion. His brain couldn’t sound so properly vexed at himself.

Friday turned on and dimmed the lights for him, despite the clear moonlight seeping through the slim panes of the windows. Tony could hear the clock ticking somewhere as he picked one of the two muffins left, cutting through the silence of the night like a reminder—a reminder of how little time they most likely had.

Thankfully, there was some remaining coffee in the mug, so he went without the usual ruckus of coffee machines (maybe he should give it another tweak). Bruce had probably known he would venture out and went to bed only after leaving him fresh coffee. He’d tried making Tony sleep in the past. He gave up the lost cause.

He knew about the nightmares, now.

“Fri, give me Princess Shuri’s drafts on the shield.”

His own voice made all of his hairs stand on end, even if whispered. He knew it was dangerous to display this in the middle of the kitchen, connected to the common area as it was, but there were details on the wakandan princess’s plans for a new shield that Tony was having a hard time figuring out, and damn him if he wasn’t going to spare every break on them.

Her ideas were complex and far more advanced than anything he’d ever come up with. Shuri worked in ways Tony only ever briefly considered and then dismissed, never quite knowing how to get there. He honestly never thought he’d see the day when someone smarter than him would make it possible, or that they’d be a sixteen-year-old girl. Bright, young minds indeed.

It made his blood rush with excitement. A challenge. Finally.

“Zoom in on—yes, exactly.” He took a bite out of the muffin—delicious, as expected—and gulped down some coffee. “Now, see, I don’t quite understand how she wants to…”

“Boss?”

“Brilliant, maybe too brilliant for me. I can’t—oh. Oh!”

Tony almost spilled coffee everywhere. He was going to mail this kid three dozen boxes of American candy and all the Coachella tickets she wanted.

“Ha, you clever kid, you!”

“Boss.”

Of course! Of freaking course, how did he not—

“Jesus Christ.”

The Winter Soldier blinked.

“No. Just me.”

“Yes, I can see that.”

Though the physical differences are slim to none.

Tony quickly swiped left before Barnes could see anything and backtracked to the sink, hackles raised. He suppressed the impulse to press his hand on his chest out of habit, or to call for a suit and blast himself far, far away from the compound. He remembered seeing a knife among the dishes in the sink, but he wasn’t stupid enough to glance at it.

The soldier remained on the couch, unperturbed. Too far away from the kitchen lights, he was almost a shadow, cloaked in light and dark both. The usual unkempt bird’s nest of a hair was tied up in a bun to keep it from his face, only to accentuate the sharpness of his jawline. He looked every bit a heartless assassin.

Tony scrutinized the area for a tactical retreat without having to turn his back to him. “Lover’s spat?”

Barnes looked like he’d almost frowned.

“What?”

“You and Rogers.” He slowly moved around the island. “Did he kick you out of the bed already?”

“I’m not going to put a knife to your throat, Stark.”

Tony really should have known better. One armed or not, it was the Winter Soldier. The Winter Soldier. Brief flashes of roadways and car crashes played behind his eyes, but Tony locked those images away in less than a split second.

“I distinctly remember the Accords stating you weren’t allowed near anything sharp without supervision until they deemed you able,” Tony stated simply. “So I suspect not.”

There didn’t seem to be a hint of resentment at those words. In fact, Barnes looked almost relieved.

“I don’t blame them.” He paused. Tony thought that was that, then, “Steve and I… we ain’t together.”

“Like I care.”

Even in the dark, Tony saw grey eyes peering at him.

“We aren’t together,” Barnes repeated, as if to make a point Tony was missing. “We never were and we never will be.”

A point Tony was now deliberately missing.

“Spare me your pathetic pining, Kristoff. If you’re looking for a pity party, you’d better look elsewhere.”

A crash—his father’s blood—his mother’s whimpers—a murderer’s cold eyes—

“I remember all of them.”

Tony retreated to the shop before Barnes could say anything.

The liquor stash he’d kept down at the workshop of the Avengers tower had never gained a twin for the new one once the team moved to the compound, thanks to Pepper and Rhodey, but as Tony sat on its couch and watched his former companions patter idly about the common area through his surveillance cameras, he felt that old thirst make its return in full force.

This is what my life has come to. Wary and confined to parts of his own home, reliant on Friday showing him if the coast was clear, lest he came face to face with yet another unpleasant, uncivil confrontation with the people poisoning his life. The people that accepted him with open arms and too wide smiles, only to break him into a thousand pieces.

You’d think he’d have learned his lesson by now.

They tried getting into the workshop. Of course they did. They came, high on entitlement and set on more degrading words with the arrogant and ungrateful Tony Stark. They came, and outside they stayed, in clear anger at being denied access by the smooth voice of a fuming AI.

Rogers was the one hardest to watch. He wouldn’t even come angry—determined, maybe, but never angry. Desperate suited him better, as well as… contrite. He wouldn’t demand, he would beg—in his own Captain America fashion—and he would stare straight at the eye of the beholder, very obviously aware of Tony watching, or at least in hopes of so. He would speak to Friday like he was speaking to Tony, always saying the same thing.

“I just want to talk.”

His face remained ever composed, but there was real pain in those blue eyes every time he was denied access, and Tony really, really didn’t know what to make of that.

They were trying to watch a movie of sorts now, it seemed. Tony once made the mistake of leaving the sound on when checking up on them. He’d pretended not to feel the stabs at his chest upon hearing the things they’d said about him.

“I can’t believe he’s bitter about that, what a selfish—”

“Still arrogant as ever, it seems—”

“He gets pissed when I give him a piece of his medicine, but I’m not allowed to get revenge for my family? He knows nothing of the pain I—”

No sound. Just video. It was safer that way.

“My ears tell me of you forging yet another offering of weapons for the very people who betrayed your trust.”

“Alright, you know what.” Tony took half a moment to bank back the heart attack, wiped down his greasy hands and reached for the drawer on his desk. “Here you go, Rudolph. A shiny bell to match your shiny nose.”

Loki caught the green collar with one hand and one eyebrow raised.

“I do not have a shiny nose.”

Tony quickly disabled Friday’s live display, but Loki wouldn’t be known as the Trickster if he weren’t smart enough to know what he’d been watching. His eyes narrowed.

“You fear them.”

“I don’t fear them.” Not exactly.

Loki contemplated him. It was still odd to see him in Earth clothing, but an all black suit was an unsurprisingly good fit on him. Completely out of place in a mechanic’s haven, but Tony wasn’t one to talk about donning expensive suits just because he could around the house, now was he?

“You do.”

“Was there a point to you coming here?”

“Ah, yes. We’re having one of those ‘movie-marathons’ tonight as you call them, per young Peter’s insistence. Banner even brought some of those dough and cheese based pies.”

Tony blinked. It’s Thursday already?

“There was no pizza in Asgard? No wonder it got blown up by Ghost Rider's evil grandfather.”

Tony went to check on his drafts, disconcerted by the sudden pass of time, but was halted by Loki’s hand on his shoulder. His expression was unreadable. It always was.

“Stop trying to appease them, Stark.”

Then he left without another word.

These damn Asgardians, I swear.

Due to circumstances, his team—minus Romanoff—took their business to the wing set opposite the one now occupied by Cap’s team, where another, slightly smaller common area was built. There was no kitchen or even a dining room, seeing as Tony’s plan had been to spare it for visitors, so it was more of a living room than anything. He certainly didn’t plan on using it, and he certainly didn’t plan on, you know, using it to avoid certain people. In his own property.

Yet if he so much as issued a part of the compound that wasn’t his workshop restricted, he’d be labelled the asshole again and the slowly steadying dynamic would tip again. So, he let things be.

Decorators had settled on a teal theme, turned dark green by the late afternoon sun. Thor was already sprawled out on a couch, his brother comfortable on the armchair beside him. Bruce and Rhodey engaged in casual conversation. Peter, to Tony’s amusement, sat on the Asgardian king’s belly and gobbled down a slice of pizza that looked legitimately bigger than his head.

“Slow it down, pygmy shrew. Leave some for me.”

“Mr. Stark!”

“Man of Iron!”

Thor actually sprung from the couch and to his side, all joy and smiles and paying no mind whatsoever to the kid he’d just sent spiraling over.

“We were beginning to think you would not join us in the merriment!”

“For God’s sake, just say fun, Thor.”

It was… weird, for lack of a better word, to see him short-haired and one-eyed. Sure, Tony had more time to adjust than some, seeing as Thor had gone to him upon hearing about the disbanded Avengers—he somehow remembered how Tony had predicted what was on its way—but he was like a literal reflection on how things had changed.

A literal reflection who hugged his lungs out.

“Okay, okay, let go, let go, let go.” Thor put him down with a godsworn pout. “Happy to see you too, big guy. But I don’t hug, that’s general knowledge.”

From his spot on the floor, Peter saluted. “General Knowledge.”

“You’re grounded.”

The kid had the nerve to cackle. Youths these days, so disrespectful.

“What have you been working on that’s got you so holed up in that lab?” Bruce asked, even if his voice tone implied he knew. And disapproved.

“Nothing too important.”

Bruce looked about ready to rebuffel, but Rhodey cut in. “He’s right, it’s not important. It’s not going for clearance. At all.”

“I think I’ll be the judge of what I do with my inventions.”

“You’re not a weapons manufacturer anymore, Tones. Legally, I could impeach your ass and confiscate whatever war tech you build.”

Tony gaped. “Now see here—”

“Of course I’m not gonna do it. Just know that I can, and I will if I must.”

“If you must? What exactly am I supposed to do here, then?”

Building and fixing things was what he did. If he wasn’t allowed to do that, then there was no purpose to him on the team whatsoever. And if—if—

“You’re supposed to be minding your own damn business, is exactly what. We are not having this argument, Tones,” he perfuncted. “Now sit back and watch Return of the Jedi.”

“Ugh, again?”

Tony woke up on the floor with a horrible back ache, a mouthful of Peter’s hair and a blanket of Avengers. And cold sweat on his temples. He weaseled out of the cocoon and back to work, popped tires and fiery, starry darkness a ghost in his mind.

“Jesus!”

“No, still me.”

Tony watched Barnes eat his cereal in complete disbelief. He had his hair down this time, and was still in dire need of a shave. Seriously, was it in now, for super soldiers to loathe razors?

“How are you doing that? Friday, what gives?”

“I’m sorry boss. He just seems to appear out of nowhere.”

“Out of—” Tony ran a hand down his face. Ex-assassins.

Barnes raised his brow at him, looking entirely unimpressed, as if being incognito had been his intention all along. Tony was reminded of the silent and efficient kill method of the Winter Soldier, the few reports he bothered to read of dead Hydra targets without a clue as to whom or what killed them.

Cold adrenaline burned then. Once is an anomaly, twice is a coincidence…

“I’m not going to hurt you,” Barnes blurted, immediately scrapping every conclusion Tony had drawn in that one half-moment.

Everything about this guy was… disorienting. Barnes stared at his bowl of Lucky Charms almost like he was afraid of looking Tony in the eye, which was ridiculous, really. If anything, Tony should be the one shrinking in on himself—or not, given what he just heard.

“How do you know that?” Tony asked and immediately winced. Shuri had made sure to send a mentally apt Barnes for the new Avengers cause, so there was no trigger-word concern anymore. In theory.

Barnes looked up, and the simple act seemed to bring him pain, clear and sharp in his eyes.

“I don’t want to hurt you.”

Tony didn’t say anything. He didn’t know what the hell he was supposed to say to that.

I assaulted you. I almost killed you. I blasted your damn arm off. And you don’t want to hurt me.

He got his coffee and made to go back to the—

“I’m sorry.”

Tony froze mid-step and didn’t turn around.

“It’s worth nothin’. It won’t bring ‘em back and it doesn’t make up for it, not by a long shot,” and at this Barnes made a sound, that self-deprecating, pathetic laugh Tony was all too familiar with himself, “But know that I’m so, so sorry.”

There was a pause. Tony still didn’t dare glance at him, unwilling to see what expression matched the utter sincerity and regret in that rasp of a voice.

“And I understand why you don’t trust me. So I’ll say it again: I’m not going to hurt you.”

Tony wanted to scream. He wanted to hurl his coffee at the wall, he wanted to shake Barnes until sense came to him, he wanted to cry his stomach sick. A part of him wanted to assure the ex-assassin he couldn’t hurt him even if he tried. The other begged to let him, in hopes he’d succeed.

Tony did neither. He crept back to the shop, ignoring how violently his hands shook.

“You know, when I said ‘don’t make weapons for the Avengers’ and told you to focus on something else, this isn’t what I meant.”

“I’m sure that’s close to what Raza thought when he told me to build the Jericho and I blew up his base instead, but what’re we gonna do?”

Rhodey sighed, then a flashdrive and a huge stack of papers were deposited on the table. A nail rolled across them and onto the floor, but Tony’s attention was drawn to the Russian words peeking at the corner of an age-old folder. Bruce, previously focused on his own side of their current project, looked up in confusion.

“What’s all this?”

“Everything you need to know about Sergeant Barnes and more. From where USSR first took him to and when, to his stay on Wakanda.” Rhodey turned to Tony. “I thought you already went through the reports?”

“That’s right, you thought.”

Tony had been indeed given these same papers, post his disagreement with Cap and said man’s exile, right when he’d wanted absolutely nothing to do with Bucky Barnes. They were sent back in less than a day, spared nothing more at than a disturbed glance.

Now, though… Tony did a mental pause. Now what?

“Should I be concerned? I mean, last time you pulled something unexpected you became Iron Man,” Rhodey said. “And you taking a sudden interest in the man who murdered your parents is unexpected.”

Bruce took the liberty to flicker through the papers, already frowning.

“When said man is a guest in the compound, I’m going to take such an interest.”

Friday displayed the contents of the flashdrive. A myriad of information settled itself on screen, then the face of 1940’s James Buchanan Barnes was staring back at him. The contrast between this roguish man and the broken one Tony had actually met almost made him reel backwards. The eyes were the same, even through outdated, poor quality photos, yet the ghosts that now haunted them were nowhere to be seen.

“He fell off the train in 1945 and was found by the Russians. Not by Hydra, like most people think…”

Bruce kept reading aloud, words Tony’s brain didn’t process as he was too busy assimilating the absolute horror he was shown. He’d suspected some of what he read, but this—

Torture—brainwashing—violent punishment—

“Fuck.”

“Tones?”

Memory wipes—isolation as punishment—starvation as punishment—mind control—

His mind brought him back to Afghanistan before he could even process it, to cold heat of caves and metal and stale water, to—

“Ton—”

There were photos. Visuals to accompany the reports on progress, proof that proper discipline methods were being exercised—so it read. Depictions of red, yellow, black, blue. Bruises. Blood matted skin and hair. Countless lacerations. Protruding bones. Swellings from head traumas.

Utter gore.

“Oh my God.”

There were videos. The one playing was of not many, caught in very, very poor quality, but you could clearly see Barnes and the chair he was strapped to. And the electric flares on his head.

And you could hear the screaming. The screaming.

“Jesus fuck…”

Tony didn’t even admonish Bruce’s swearing. He was too busy throwing up his coffee.

Bruce’s tea was hot on his palms and burned going down his throat. All heads-up displays were disabled, all music muted. His shop was silent but for his bots’ whirrs and the disturbing sound of four human beings breathing.

“I’m sorry.”

Bruce frowned. Tony gestured to the coffee mug Dummy was currently replacing.

“Wasted your coffee.”

He was then on the receiving end of three varying expressions of disbelief. No, two—Rhodey actually looked exasperated instead.

“Tony. You had a completely acceptable reaction to what you just saw.”

“It was damn good coffee, though. I’m—”

“Stop apologizing.”

Tony stared at Strange. The wizard stared back. Didn’t so much as blink, eyes hard to read. Tony opened his mouth—

“Stop apologizing. And drink that.”

Strange then gestured open a portal back to the Sanctum and left with a twirl of that infuriating red cloak.

Tony shot his tea a haughty look. I knew it.

The lockdown mode lasted for five days. Well, the extra lockdown settings did. About five people in the compound had access codes to his shop. For five days, they didn’t.

For five days, Tony was AWOL. For five days, Tony processed what he’d learned. Sat shrouded in nothing but darkness and the cyan blue light of his monitors, Tony watched Bucky Barnes. He watched him do his work out routine. He watched him eat breakfast. He watched him eat lunch. He watched him eat dinner. He watched him skip movie night and go to bed.

For five days, Tony watched him. And he noticed. He noticed that Barnes’ work out routine ended when somebody else joined him. He noticed that Barnes always ate alone. He noticed that Barnes skipped his team’s bonding hour to sit in the gym and stare at nothing. Or the compound garden, or the compound roof, or anywhere that got him alone.

Or anywhere that got him away from his team.

Tony already knew what kind of shitstorm awaited him once he authorized the codes again. Rhodey was probably pissed. Bruce was probably concerned. Peter was probably hurt. Thor was probably sad, and Loki… well, Loki wasn’t probable, but Tony guessed he wasn’t pleased.

He wasn’t referring to the Avengers, no, currently enjoying their own movie night in their own common area, either oblivious or impervious to Tony’s lockdown mode. He could have fucked off to someplace, and they’d still sit and talk and laugh among each other as they watched Pulp Fiction. He could have up and left the planet, and they’d still plot behind his back.

Like they were now.

“Hey, not for nothin’ or nothin’,” Barton said, from his spot sprawled on Romanoff’s legs, “But have you talked to Rhodes yet?”

The question was apparently directed at Rogers, who sighed. Tony was quick to note Barnes next to him, looking for all he cared like he didn’t care to be there at all. He maintained enough proximity to his best friend for no risk of questions asked, yet he was too stiff and too focused on the screen while in fact not paying any attention to the movie. Tony was surprised, trained ex-assassins and ex-militaries as most of them were, at how nobody noticed this.

(Or maybe they did. And chose to ignore it.)

“He says it’s not in his place to give us the access codes. And neither is, uh, acting messenger boy.” Sam let out a cynical laugh. “He says if we want to talk to him, we’ll have to go to him ourselves.”

Barton raised his arms in the air. “He won’t let us talk to him! The stick in his ass got even deeper after what happened in Leipzig.”

“Clint—”

“Look, his fragile little ego got Hulk smashed, and Hulk wasn’t even there. We gotta handle this before shit hits the fan again, Cap.”

“Thor said—”

“I know what Thor said about this Thanos guy. That’s not the shit I was referring to.”

Rogers, for no change whatsoever, looked confused.

“We wounded his pride,” Romanoff clarified. “We wounded his pride, and we don’t know where he is or what he’s up to. He took Ross out of the Accords to be monitored by the Colonel instead, as we know, who won’t tell us if Tony’s even in the premises.”

She pushed Barton off her to sit up and stare straight at the Captain.

“Tony is dangerous and reckless when his pride is on the line, so we have to take control of the situation before it becomes one.”

Almost imperceptibly, Barnes shifted on the couch. Rogers didn’t see.

“What do you mean?”

“She means, maybe he’s finding a way to bench us before the big game,” Barton answered, looking at the ceiling. “Maybe this whole ‘welcome home’ thing is a ruse to keep us in the dark. Maybe we should get back on the run before he gets those arrest warrants ready. Maybe we should be gearing up for another Ultron situation. He’s too arrogant to trust us.”

Barton opened his mouth to continue, but what Tony and the others heard came in a voice that definitely wasn’t his.

“Maybe you’re all too arrogant to be trusted.”

Barnes didn’t even look away from the movie as he said it. Everybody stood stock still. It was like the tide receded at his words, the dead giveaway to an incoming tsunami.

Rogers was the sounding alarm. “What?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Barton asked, too taken aback to look insulted. Romanoff wore the exact same face he did. It was almost comical.

Barnes took his time replying. He was still ‘fixated’ on the movie.

“There ain’t no ‘welcome home’ ruse. Hell, there wasn’t even a ‘welcome home’, for starters, so I don’t know what you’re even on about,” he said, with an honest to God laugh. “And I really don’t know why you expected one.”

“We signed the Accords,” Rogers stated, a perceived cold fact. “We agreed to his terms—”

“No, he agreed to yours, punk.”

“Am I actually listening to this?” Lang asked, effectively voicing Tony’s thoughts.

“Buck, you of all people should know that we can’t trust the—”

“You ain’t above the law, Steve.” Barnes finally tore his eyes from the screen to stare at his best friend’s. His voice was ice. “You ain’t above 192 countries. If you can’t accept limitations, you’re no better than the bad guys.”

Tony’s sharp gasp synched with Team Cap’s.

“You’re defending Stark?” Barton asked, sounding as skeptical as Tony felt. “You, of all people?”

That’s it, no more tea from Strange. He was absolutely not witnessing this.

“Buck.”

“Steve,” Barnes mocked.

Rogers blinked, before his face contorted into something like anger. Tony wasn’t sure.

“Bucky, he tried to kill you!”

“I killed his parents!”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” Barton jumped off the couch. “What the fuck?”

“Okay, what?”

The rest of the team, including Maximoff but not Romanoff, reacted like this was big news.

“That wasn’t—!”

“Yes, it was. No, shut the fuck up, Steven Grant Rogers,” Barnes growled, and Tony couldn’t for the life of him believe his eyes and ears. “I killed his parents. I fuckin’ killed his parents, that was me, brainwashed or not. Their death is on my hands and I take full blame and responsibility for what I did.”

“Hold up a sec—” Wilson started, but Barnes wasn’t done.

“But you, Steve, didn’t take no fucking blame or responsibility. You knew it had been me, and you didn’t tell him. You knew it hadn’t been an accident from the start, and you didn’t tell him. Didn’t you say you were friends?”

“Yes, but—”

“Then what the hell, Steve—”

“How was I supposed to tell him?” Rogers finally snapped. “How could I say it? How do you say that to someone? Buck, you’re my friend—”

“So was he, damn it!”

Tony could feel his eyes growing progressively wider.

“You’re my friend, I was protecting you!” There was actual betrayal in Rogers’ face. “If I told him, he would have gone after you!”

“Would he?” Barnes gestured around vaguely. “I’m standin’ right here, in his house, per his invite, and not once has he tried to pick up where we left off.”

“Not yet,” Lang corrected. “He doesn’t because he’s smart enough not to mess with you, seeing as that would mean messing with us.”

And then Barnes’ face, ever so calculatingly blank, stretched in the most scornful smirk Tony had ever seen.

“Oh, he’s smart alright. But that ain’t why. Lord knows he could kick your asses on his own if he needed to. He certainly kicked mine and Steve’s.”

“Okay, what?” Wilson—it had been Wilson—repeated.

“When did this happen?” Maximoff asked, right back to Stark-Hate mode.

Both Rogers and Barnes fell into silence, one out of guilt and one out of sheer anger.

“You didn’t tell them about Siberia.” It wasn’t a question.

“Siberia?”

“Siberia?”

“What happened in Siberia?”

Tony could never be sure watching through video feed as he was, despite the fine quality of his installed surveillance, but the expression Barnes now had struck too close to the one he’d associated with the Winter Soldier.

Rogers did make an effort to explain, surprisingly. “Tony came to us after Leipzig. As a friend. He… he found out the truth. Lashed out, attacked Bucky. I stepped in and it… it just went downhill from there.”

“What do you mean, ‘downhill’?” It was Romanoff who asked, at a loss to make a difference.

Rogers took too long to come up with his response. Barnes beat him to it.

“He tried to kill him.” Perceived cold fact. “He crushed his arc reactor, then left him to die in the cold.”

He was met with silence, underlaid with the movie in the background. Barnes got up.

“I already watched Pulp Fiction last week,” he informed, then promptly left.

In his lab, Tony watched him go. The moment Barnes was out of frame, he turned off all monitors. Left himself in complete darkness.

What. The actual. Fuck.

[kara-dolan]

This Can’t Be Real

A/N- Okay so the Coachella fic is taking forever so I whipped this up because I was inspired by a lot of shows and music and yeah lol. There is a tag with my friends artwork in it leading to his insta and yeah.  I would like to say Shawn’s character is not in anyway shape or form Shawn Mendes he looks nothing like Shawn. Michael Ealy is who I actually thought about while writing Shawn’s character. Sorry it’s short but it is something I think people will enjoy.

Summary- You were studying late with friends at the library when the night takes an unexpected twist. A mysterious man appears and you just don’t know where the night will take you.

Warning- Horror? Creepy? Fluff?

Word Count- 1,978

“I don’t know when I will be home mom.” I say walking to my car. “The study group wants to pull an all-nighter, so we will be at the library all night most likely.” I explain getting in my car to find one of my literature text books. “Okay, okay. I will call in the morning to let you know I am fine. I love you. Bye.” I rushed to hang up. I found the book I was looking for and started to lock the up my car when I heard something behind me. ‘Don’t be the dumb bitch in the horror movie. Just get back to the library and fast.’ I turned on my heel and started to head back towards the entrance. “Hey!” Someone called out and I stopped immediately. “You dropped this.” He said gently touching my shoulder handing me the thesis outline. “Oh, uh thanks. Guess I wasn’t really paying attenti-” I faltered once I saw him and our hands touched which sent electricity through my body. “No problem.” He smirked “I’m Grayson.” He introduced himself. “Oh, I’m… Y/N.” I respond hesitantly, his smile made my heart flutter, but the front door of the library snapped my attention away from him “Y/N! Come on we’ve been waiting for you!” one of the people in the group shouted to me. I turn back to apologize to Grayson, but he wasn’t there, “Okay, I’m coming!” I yell back to them rolling my eyes. I ran up the steps looking behind me once before I went in seeing my car and 3 others in an empty dark parking lot with only street lights lighting the area. I went back inside past the stacks to the group. I set my stuff down handing the outline to Danny who was the editor of the group. We all were tired and annoyed about having to be here, me less than everyone else mainly because I found comfort in the library. “Took you long enough.” Michael scoffed. “Sorry. I got distracted, and my mom called. I told you guys I couldn’t be here all night, but she said it was fine. My brother showed up to help out for the weekend.” I explained pushing my hair out of my face. “I thought your brother had training this week?” Lydia asked. “He did but he got out of it. He’s being trained to be the CEO of a major corporation all he needs to do is say whatever he wants, and he’ll get it.” I answered her while I sat down. She nodded looking a little hurt “Did he make plans with you and cancel again? That asshole, I swear Y/B/N needs to get his shit together.” I say annoyed. “Enough of the girl talk. The only reason we are here is for the term paper.” Danny growled out. “Aww is poor Daniel not getting laid enough?” Michael teased. “Michael shut the fuck up. We don’t want to be here anymore than you do.” Lydia whisper shouted at him. “Hey, can you guys maybe quiet down there is 4 other people here who have complained about the fighting.” The librarian whispered to us. “Yeah sorry Shawn.” I apologized, “Great thanks. Um… Y/N… can I talk to you for a minute its about the question you asked me the other day.” He asked me. “Uh… Yeah sure.” I say while getting nudge by Lydia with a smirk on her face. I rolled my eyes at her and walked away from the group with Shawn, “Okay so remember how you asked me to keep a look out for the ‘Saphilak, Manuscript of Eternal Rest’?” He asked me, and I nodded. “I found it. One of my friends was traveling around Europe this week and she found it technically, anyways it is still pristine condition and arrived last night.” He explained. “Oh my gosh Shawn. That’s amazing. I have heard the stories on it and researched it for years and I have always come up empty handed but then again I have never left the country” I rambled until he interrupted “Do you want me to go get it and let you read it or do you want to keep talking about it?” He chuckled. “Obviously I want to read it. Please, go get it?” I plead while pushing him towards his office. A few minutes later he came jogging out of the office with the lost manuscript, “Oh my gosh. Shawn, this is incredible.” I say running my hands over the old parchment. “Thank you. This means so much to me.” I looked at him and he was already staring at me. “Lock the fucking doors!” Someone screamed out. “What the fuck?” Shawn said running to the front, I followed behind holding the manuscript. “Grayson?” I asked cocking an eyebrow, “Hey. Okay we need to barricade and lock all doors any entrances and exists windows too. Ethan! They fucking followed!” He ordered and then screamed out. “Fuck, okay. Everyone start gathering furniture and pin it against the door and windows!” The guy who I assume is Ethan yelled out while grabbing a chair piling it against the door. “Grayson, what’s going on?” I asked grabbing his shoulder, “You know this guy?” Shawn questioned me. “Not really and not now Shawn.  Grayson. Answer me. Please?” I begged brushing Shawn off. Grayson grabbed my hand sending electricity through my body and pulled me away from everyone into the abandoned stacks, “Whoa.” I gasped. “Yeah, look I know you don’t know me Y/N but trust me when I say we need to lock ourselves in. There isn’t time to explain I promise I will explain but after we secure the building.” He brushed his thumb across my cheek and I nodded. “Okay… I trust you.” I said as chills went down my spine. “Good.” He smiled, “Y/N, come here I need to talk to you and now.” Lydia called me over. I pulled away from Grayson and gave him a sad smile while going to Lydia “What?” I asked her, “Who is that? I thought you and Shawn… Ya know have a thing.” I laughed “Me and Shawn are friends. That’s it.” I explained, “Does he know that?” she said and walked away. I looked over to Shawn stacking chairs against the door along with everyone in the library. I walked over to one of the windows and peaked out, the entire parking lot was emerged in thick black smoke with figures moving through out it. I backed away and ran to the back exit to lock it on my way there I put the manuscript behind the front desk, “Y/N, where are you going?” Michael questioned. “Back door we need to lock it and start blocking it!” I yelled while running down the stairs. I spotted movement outside of the door but locked it before whatever it was had a chance to open it. It saw me, and I saw it. It was hideous, it seemed to have no eyes. The opening of its mouth, rimmed with sharp fangs ready to just devour and rip any living thing into shreds. A set of horns aligning the top of his head, a mane made from tentacles. The creature was tall and muscular, walked on its two hind legs but had four limbs with claws attached. It had a tail that split in two making it seem as it could whip and lash and strangle anything that came near it, to make matters worse the creature moved as if it was hovering even though it had two sets of wings, all tattered and torn. When I saw it I couldn’t move, I was frozen. My breath caught in my throat and I could feel myself suffocating. The thing slamming its self against the door screeching made me jump out of my paralyzed state. I ran upstairs to everyone else. “We need to block the door now!” I screamed running in grabbing a desk.  Everyone exchanged a worried look except Grayson and Ethan who immediately followed by grabbing what they could, “Don’t just stand there grab shit and start blocking the doors!” Shawn yelled at them. It took about 5 minutes to fully secure the back exit and make it back upstairs to start closing the blinds on every window. I was starting to calm down when Lydia screamed so loud I am shocked she didn’t shatter anything, “Lydia what’s wrong?” I asked. “There’s no service.” She sunk to the floor, “I’m not worried about the fucking service as much as I am worried about what’s outside right now! You have no idea what is out there! I fucking saw it and it saw me, it fucking saw me… I don’t want to feel that ever again…” I struggled to get out with tears clouding my vision. Grayson pulled me into his chest stroking my hair hushing me, “E, take care of them. I got to talk to Y/N.” He whispered while draping his arm over my shoulder guiding me towards the computer area. “What the hell are they Grayson? I- I’ve never seen anything like that… and… the fact that I couldn’t move… I wanted to run or scream or something, but it wouldn’t let me. What kind of thing could do that?” I choked out with tears now rolling down my face. He wiped my tears away with a remorseful look on his face, “They’re called Vruma’s. A Vruma uses fear to paralyze their prey or to mark their target. After being paralyzed they eat everything except the blood. The blood is just everywhere after.” He explained looking away from me. “What do they want Grayson?” I asked with my bottom lip trembling with fear that I already knew the answer.  “We don’t know. All we know is they were sent here to collect something and whatever it is we can’t let them get ahold of.” He said while clenching his jaw. “We? Meaning… you and Ethan, right?” I asked him. “Yeah… and hopefully you…” he said turning back to me taking my hands in his “Why do I feel like I know you? Like really know you, as if I could throw myself off any building and I know you would catch me.” I say gazing into his eyes. He gulped, “Y/N…” he started taking his hands in mine rubbing his thumbs over my hands. His hands were soft and calloused “Gray. You got to get up here people are asking questions that I don’t think they need answers on.” Ethan barged in saying causing Grayson to stand dropping my hands. I sighed and stood up wiping my palms against my dark green joggers, “I’m gonna go try to find some information on these Vruma things.” I interjected while pulling my hair up into a messy bun. “There isn’t any information on them. They aren’t of this world.” Ethan expressed.  “Maybe not by the name of Vruma, but there may be some lure on them with a different name.” I retorted, and he responded by rolling his eyes. “Y/N there won’t be any. Ethan and I have looked for it for it. There is only one book on them, but it’s been lost for centuries.” Grayson explained. “How do you know? How did you guys even come across this? How did you-” I was interrupted by Grayson’s lips on mine. “You ask to many questions.” He said while smiling, “Maybe I should ask more.” I thought out loud which made him chuckle pulling away. The lights started flickering before completely going out and shattering, “Gray… if they can shatter the lightbulbs what stops them from shattering the windows?” I ask slowly trying to have my eyes adjust to the dark. A scream emerged from the lobby of the library after I said that.

To be continued…

A/N-  Shoutout to @dtwritings​ for helping me describe the Vruma. I don’t see a lot of horror stuff involving the twins and like I have been watching some shows I adore that has this aspect and I read books like this so I am sorry this is sort of a first for me but hopefully it gets better and more interesting later on in it.

And for those who didn’t click the link in the fic this is what the Vruma looks like

[maybeweshould]

Well she’s master trolling now. She posted a story with the caption “Coachella prep”. Cmon someone need to stop her now!!!!

Can’t say if it’s pure trolling because she knows what people say of if she’s already going to la and will stay there the whole time. All I know is that her at that kind of festival is going to be funny. She will walk around with her old friends pretending to be not be completely out of place in front of the paps. What she doesn’t know is that’s not Harry’s concert and none will take video of her dancing because public barely cared about him and he’s on stage. Public at Coachella is very different from a concert she will need a personal pap all day around. It’s so funny because the story she posted proves she has no idea of what Coachella is! She’s just there to ruin everything like always. She needs to be stopped because inserting herself in everything made me so annoyed that I lost interest in Harry also. I haven’t even listened to his song or seen the video. I’ve been away for two weeks because of all the drama but things never change here! She’s always there ready to ruin everything about him. Does he really like that she’s so invading and trolling of his life? Like you’re 38 and not working but can find much better things to do than trolling people online who you shouldn’t even care about as you’re so happy happy to not even being interested to correct a narrative. LOOSER!!!!!!!!!!

She is the biggest troll I've ever seen. I swear!

[roughsexwithgaga]

Stop Running Away pt.5

Pt.1 | Pt.2 | Pt.3 | Pt.4

February

Lady Gaga was sitting on the patio in the back garden of her Houston Airbnb and nearly spat her coffee all over the table. ”Is she for real!?” she yelled and everyone turned their heads in her direction. ”This… This… bitch!”

”Is she late or is she late?” Mariah shook her head and looked at Sarah. Exactly everyone in the whole world had been gasping over Beyoncé’s pregnancy announcement for two hours. ”I think she’s the last person on the planet to find out.”

Gaga, who had been eyeing herself in the mirror every day to look for signs of her own growing baby, a thing that everyone took for vanity since no one except Ashley knew, felt like Beyoncé stole more than her moment in the spotlight on stage. ”I swear she’s doing it on purpose, I mean seriously, she has every week of the whole year to announce her baby-”

”Babies,” Mariah and Sarah corrected her. ”She’s having TWINS!”

”I don’t care if she’s giving birth to Jesusa Christ,” Gaga muttered and eyed them both. ”But she absolutely has to do it the very last minute before MY moment. I can’t believe it!” Gaga ranted for several minutes and kicked the large flower pot behind her - it didn’t budge – walked around in a circle with her hands on her head and kept spitting out curses.

When she finally calmed down she handed Mariah her phone. ”Time to steal the thunder back,” she said and muttered about some people just never knowing when to stop with their over saturation and then she, in her own usual non-subtle way, wrote a caption about Houston looking beautiful and added the Beyoncé patented bee-emoji. Because, hello, she was pissed off and it really hurt to write congratulations right now but she still needed to show that she wasn’t out of the loop.

”It’ll drive them up the walls speculating.” She laughed a flat, hollow laughter and then she suddenly stopped. ”Wait!” She stared into the oblivion. ”What about Coachella? The woman is huge!” She turned around to run inside the house and nearly fell over the pot behind her. ”CHRISTIAN!” Time to show you’re useful for more than booking Airbnbs, she thought. ”When Coachella calls, because they will, you better tell them I’m fucking ready,” she shouted into the large mansion.

The aggressive competitor inside her made her forget everything else and then she decided to focus on herself and all the people involved in her big weekend. She would thank them all, and tell them exactly how important they all were to her this moment. ”I’m taking the world back,” she said. ”And you’re all part of it. We, together- fuck. I have to make a speech.” She sent Mariah inside her bedroom to get her MacBook and then she gathered her employees.

\o/

”It’s wild,” Lukas Nelson said when he saw her new Lamborghini Huracán. ”It suits you.”

Gaga could hardly breathe when she heard his voice and threw herself at him so hard he coughed and dropped his bag on the ground to wrap his arms around her. It took several seconds before she let him go. When she finally allowed him to breathe he saw Christian stand in the open door and he didn’t look like he enjoyed what he was seeing. His eyes were dark and he was fiddling with something in his hands. Lukas saw it was the match day passes.

”Stef,” Christian said and Gaga turned around. Lukas saw his cold eyes turn warm when he looked at her. ”We have to get ready.”

Gaga turned to look at Lukas again and took his hand to pull him inside. ”We still have a few minutes, Lukas can leave his things here,” she told Christian and turned to Lukas again. ”You’re probably the first one who doesn’t look like I’m about to kill myself driving it,” she said and laughed.

”I would trust you with anything,” Lukas gushed and instantly felt something vibrate in the air as Gaga looked back at Christian. A feeling of submission and guilt. ”Are you two, like a thing now?” Lukas leaned down and whispered into her ear while she pulled his arm. He noticed her face turn red. ”I’m not judging, I’m just c-”

She put a hand up like she didn’t want to talk about it and he stopped.

Christian’s eyes measured him when they walked past him. Lukas didn’t understand what he ever did to make him so dismissive about him. ”Nice to see you, Lukas,” he said and smiled that cold smile, that made him look like he had no teeth, the one that never reached his eyes and Lukas nearly shuddered. He raised his hand in a salute.

Gaga decided to give Lukas the guided tour around the house herself because she wanted to show him how much she missed him. ”This will be your room. There’s a bathroom over there and my room is down the hallway over there. My parents-”

”Stef,” Lukas said and she turned around to face him. ”I missed you. You look amazing. You’re gonna kill it today, I know it.”

Gaga looked at him for a few seconds. Her blonde hair was pulled together in a messy bun, she wore a black top and a skirt, with a slit almost all the way up to her pleasure zone and he observed her adjust it just as he laid eyes on her muscular thighs. She inhaled and looked lost, then she found herself and stepped up to him.

”Don’t you dare come here and tell me you missed me, that you approve of how I look. Do you know what I’ve been through?” Her voice was low, yet powerful. He nearly expected her to put a warning finger up in the air in front of his face when she instead shook her head and sat down on the bed behind her.

”I’m sorry, Lukas, I’m sorry. I-” she nearly told him about the baby but bit her tongue. Not today.

”It’s ok, I get it. You’re right. And I have no right.” He walked up to her, caressed her cheek and nearly expected her to slap him but instead she leaned against it and closed her eyes. Inhaling his manly smell, his warmth and his kindness. The father of my baby, she thought and she sat like that for a few seconds before she sensed Christian getting restless outside the door.

\o/

When Gaga caught the football, landed among the soft foam squares and heard the people roar she knew she made it. Everything had been so perfect, absolutely everything had went as expected and when she was pulled out on the pitch again she looked up at the spectators with glossy eyes and was escorted outside down into the culvert into the arms of her mom and dad. She felt their hearts exploding with pride, just like hers.

Nothing can ever tear me down, she thought. Every time they think I’m done, I come back harder. She never really knew who ”they” were, but they were out there, waiting for her to fail. It was a never-ending competition, a battle, a war to prove herself over and over. Because I’m a woman.

It had been the longest day and when she was finally back at the house she rented, she was exhausted. Ashley had snuck her non-alcoholic drinks all evening while the others partied and no one had seemed suspicious. She saw Lukas stand in the garden with a bottle and walked up to him.

He had already congratulated her multiple times and understood that Christian had made a point when he had kissed her cheek on the pitch in front of all the cameras. The news would be out, and she was clever to keep it under lids until now. No distractions before the big moment, he thought. It hurt, but he had let her go and had to live with that decision.

She had moved on so quickly. Like she couldn’t be single for a few seconds and instantly picked the nearest available person. Lukas wasn’t sure Christian was good for her since he felt a dominating and destructive side from him that he didn’t like. On second thoughts, who was he to tell her how to live her life? Maybe he was just jealous of Christian.

Lukas smiled at her when she stopped next to him. ”Thank you for letting me be part of this, Stef,” he said and observed her side profile. Her slanted forehead and her magnificent nose, the pouty lips and her sunken cheeks. Her shoulders pulled forward, like she was cold. A small breeze through her frail hair and he caught a whiff of her perfume and closed his eyes, dreaming of her soft body in his arms.

”You’re my friend, Lukas. Of course you’re part of it,” she replied.

He felt her fingers touching his. ”You know where my room is, Lukas.”

Before he got a chance to reply she had left his side and gone inside again. She left because she was afraid of the ’no’ she knew she was going to get from him and she didn’t want to hear it. This way she could keep hoping. I’m nothing compared to her, he thought.

He looked at her back as she disappeared around a corner. Lord knows he wanted to, but he couldn’t allow himself to fall in love again and lose her. And Christian was there. What if he showed up, or maybe that’s what she wanted. He wasn’t tired and he knew he would have a hard time sleeping only a few feet away from her while knowing she invited him to sleep with her. So he sat down on the couch in the TV-room, where someone watched Gaga’s performance on repeat and a few others joined him, they sat chatting a while before they dropped off and Lukas was alone again so he decided to go to bed as well anyway.

He must’ve dozed off because he woke up to something that sounded like a giggle. Stef, he thought. That’s her laugh. Grunts. Lukas got out of bed and left his room. He might have been the one calling it off, but no way he’s listening to her having sex. He paced around in the kitchen before curiosity took him back into his room where he heard her before. It must be some vent or something that carried the sound. He listened to what he thought was rhythmic thrusts and almost started to turn green with envy wondering whether Christian was some superman who kept going on forever until he realized it was the ceiling fan that was spinning and the damn thing wasn’t properly aligned. I’m paranoid, he thought and left the room to seek refuge in the room facing the patio where he sat earlier. Away from the sounds and maybe other sleepless people would be there.

\o/

Gaga was in bed and nearly asleep the second she put her head on the pillows when she heard someone enter her room. She knew it wasn’t Lukas because Koji snarled and that meant it was Christian. The sound of clothes being taken off and placed on a chair, and then cold air as someone raised the comforter to crawl into bed with her.

”Christian, I’m really tired.” She felt his kisses on her neck. Koji made a snorting sound and jumped out of the bed to find some privacy. She heard his claws smattering against the floor as he probably went to find Ashely.

”Yes, of course you are. It’s tiring to win back the approval of the general public, even for someone as talented as you,” he mumbled into her ear and she felt his hand on her hip, traveling into her panty and a finger slipped between her pussy lips. ”You’re wet. Now, how is that?”

First she went stiff because she thought Christian was going to start complaining about Lukas and whether he’d been in here, but then she realized he was so sure of himself he didn’t even think about Lukas. She sighed and didn’t see the point in lecturing a 50 year old experienced man about female anatomy and her body functions right now. He probably thought she sighed because it felt good so he started rubbing a little harder. And obviously that made it impossible to resist.

She rolled over on her belly and he tossed the sheets away. Her black panty was the tiniest one he’d seen. It barely covered her fit, soft butt cheeks and they looked deliciously round and irresistible in the pale light. He slipped a finger along the cheek fold and inside the leg of the panty. The warmth from her body and her sudden wetness made him hard in seconds. He gave her cheek a quick slap and watched it jiggle.

“Ouch! What the fuck,” she said and slapped him back on his arm. He was lying on his side, leaning on one elbow and she could see the satisfied smile on his face.

“What?” he chuckled then he groped her ass hard and she felt his fingers dig up her crack and massage her whole butt cheek with greedy fingers. He suddenly slapped her ass again and she turned around to play-fight him, but then he got up and moved between her legs to pull her panties down.

”Christian, no! I-” she reluctantly giggled when his tongue tickled her waist and squirmed to avoid it. She felt his warm breath and a brief second later his tongue lap against her clit. “That’s right, you son of a bitch!” she moaned as his teeth sunk into the skin on her inside of her thighs and he continued kissing her skin up towards her tits. They looked heavy and full and he pinched one of her erect nipples between two fingers.

”I want you to lick my nipples, suck them hard.” She exhaled and pulled her legs up and she reluctantly grunted loudly as it hurt when he placed his wet mouth all over her left nipple and nibbled it. Shoving him away with both hands, she made him dive into her now flooded slit again. His tongue circled her clit, sucked her folds and he forced two fingers inside her. She grunted and felt him curl the fingers inside her. The feeling was sensational and she heard herself moan and beg for more.

She placed both hands over her mouth to muffle her moans. Her mind was full of Lukas, who she knew most likely was aware of what she was doing right now. He wasn’t naive and she felt like absolute trash. She didn’t deserve him, how did she ever think that a man as pure and loving would want her? Everything I am, all I have and is able to buy with my money and my name, and he’s rejecting me because of who I am. It makes no sense, she thought. What am I doing wrong? I love him, I showed him how much I love him, I’m a nice person. I love, I try not to hate, I treat people with respect. I do good things. What is it that he doesn’t like?

Gaga was doing her head in thinking of Lukas and nearly lost her breath when Christian decided it was time to push inside her. She arched her back and let her nails dig into his shoulders. Everything was different. It felt different. She angrily closed her eyes when Christian thrusted inside her and tried to remember Lukas’ smell, but wanted to cry when she couldn’t because Christian’s smell was all over her.

On her back, with her legs spread, she let her new lover do as he pleased. She felt his hands around her neck, his thrusts harder and faster. She gasped for air and felt her vagina contract, the orgasm like a warm shower, emerging from between her legs all the way down to her toes. She raised her thighs and bucked her hips, her field of vision narrowed as she nearly passed out from lack of oxygen and heard herself shout ”Lukas!” with the last amount of air in her lungs.

Christian shot out of the bed, left her lying naked with her own hands around her neck, breathing rapidly and staring back into his eyes. His eyes glittered in the dark and she felt so weak and helpless. He took a step closer to the bed and she prepared to fight him but he bent down and grabbed his clothes. Then he exited her room and left Gaga panting on the bed like a scared animal.

Gaga was certain he wasn’t aware he nearly choked her, but was upset and angry because she had shouted Lukas’ name. Christian obviously didn’t want to kill her, she thought, it was a mistake. It had to be a mistake. Her heart was beating out of her chest, she felt the panic creep up her back and she never felt so exposed, undignified and lonely in her life. She pulled a blanket around her and left her room. She needed to find another person right now, to feel normal, someone to cling to. To feel ordinarity again and not this bubble of desolation floating around in nowhere. Ashamed of herself she wandered out into the spacious living room which served as the heart of the house.

She saw Lukas sitting, asleep, on the couch with his legs on the table. His head was tilted to the side and his jaw slacked.

”Sssch,” she said when he woke up and looked at her through a foggy, surprised gaze. ”Please, just let me lie here with you. You don’t have to do anything. I just want to be near you, Lukas.” Her voice, a whisper, but so lovely he thought he was dreaming until he felt her hands touching him. She smiled and crawled into his lap.

”Sure, sweet thing,” Lukas had no idea what she was on about but opened his arms, let her lie down with her head on his lap and wrapped the blanket around her. She didn’t say anything else, she just closed her eyes and held on to his shirt as if he was going to fly away. She looked so frail and lost, the blue veins on the back of her hands, the tiny hairs on her arms. He caressed her cheek, and let a finger run along her temple down to her neck. She swallowed and her huge, shiny eyelids covered her eyes, he touched her eyebrows, corrected a stray hair and watched her lips. The corners of her mouth, always slightly raised. He thought it was so sexy. You are so beautiful, he thought.

He kept quiet and let her rest, felt her pulse slow down and her breathing get heavier. When she fell asleep he lifted her up and carried her into her room, saw Koji stand outside and when he put her into the bed the dog jumped up as well. ”Some guard dog you are,” Lukas joked. He sat down on the couch by the foot of the bed and fell asleep again while he watched her worriedly shift around in the bed.

Pt. 6

[jelenasymphony]

The Sleepover (2/2)- Jelena One Shot

To read part 1 click here.

I know a few of you were really looking forward for this so I’m really sorry for taking so long to finish this.

I’m really grateful for all the feedback this one shot had, I enjoy so much the fact that you like my fanfiction, and i’m really thankful of y’all taking time off your day to read what I write. 

Word Count: 2649. 

Selena’s POV:

I was ashamed of the face staring back at me in the mirror; my eyes were puffy and red, my cheeks, covered on rimmel-tinted tears, were swollen, making my face look even rounder than it was, and my hair was messy for pulling the roots of my hair too much. I hated myself so much in this moment, who in the world would accept having dinner AND a sleepover with their ex, who she stills in love so fucking much? My breath shakes every time I remember I'll be here until tomorrow morning and I'm going to have to keep pretending that everything is okay, even when we watch movies and a knot is made in my throat in front of some stupid romantic scene, because everything reminded me of us. I feel stupid for being here in first place, and even more stupid when I realise I don’t know how much time I was locked in the bathroom crying my heart out and it will be so hard to get out, knowing Fredo will notice my red eyes, no matter how many times I wash my face or how much I fix my makeup, my chances of them believing that I was okay are little.

A knock on the door makes me jump.

-Sel, are you okay? -I swallow hard when I hear his voice from the other side of the door, and I know it will take everything in me to make my voice seem clear and happy, like I should (who wouldn’t be happy of having a just friends relationship with their ex? -probably not me).- I’m coming in.

I rush to face the mirror as I grab the rimmel from my purse, pretending I was happily fixing my makeup when he comes in, staring at me with worry on his eyes.

-Hey, what’s up? -he looks at me confused, but I feel proud of myself because my voice went off pretty good. 

-Are you okay? You been here for half an hour, and as long as I know, you don’t take that long to take a shit -I laugh out loud as I face him, and I instantly regret it when his eyes lock in mine.

-So much beer made me dizzy, my stomach is empty because I was saving space for food, you know me -shouldn’t our food be here by know? I should be filling my mouth with fried chicken so I couldn’t say anything I shouldn’t in front of him, what’s surely going to happen next.

-Yeah, and it’s because I know you I know something is wrong with you, you can still vent to me Sel, I’m always here, you know? -I hate him as soon as he says those words, why couldn’t he be the kind of ex who is a douchebag and make me believe I’m better off without him? But I know if even it is the case, I would still love him with every inch of my heart, he already proved that over all our breakups with his lies and infidelities, my stubborn heart would still love him anyways.

-It’s nothing, I swear it’s just the beer -I lie again, as he approaches me to be two feet away from me, and I realise maybe alcohol did have an effect in me, I wouldn’t let him get this close to me if I was in my senses, good luck I’m not completely drunk because I can still pretend I don’t want him to come even closer until there is no space between our lips.

-Since when the beer makes you cry? I don’t remember you crying at Coachella -a chill runs my back, he does remember us getting drunk at Coachella years ago, and I wonder if he also remembers that we made out behind the trailer and things got pretty racy.

We both laugh and I feel my cheeks blush to the thought of a drunken couple desperately having something really close to sex among the bushes. -Shut up, you were drunk too, we were really living the you-only-live-once spirit. 

I grab my purse to go back to the living room, pretending we finished talking, but he hurries to stand in front of the door, blocking my escape. -We’re not done here, I know something is wrong with you, and I’m sorry if it is because something I said, I got carried out, we were really having a good talk.

-Yeah, and it’s good we catch up, but really it’s nothing you said, I guess it’s just me not being ready to hear some stuff. -Why the fuck did I said that? Since when three beers were too much? Maybe you can’t mix alcohol with a broken heart, and even after all this time I still don’t learn that.

-Is it because of Hailey? I’m sorry I brought her name in the conversation, I really forgot you don’t like her -of course I don’t like her, and now I like her even less since she tries too hard to erase me from Justin’s memories, would her next step to replace me be going to Coachella with him? It disgusts me just to think about it.

-Justin, we were catching up, and I really knew you would bring your girlfriend into the conversation, just ignore me, everything is okay. -he looks at me surprised and confused, his eyes pop open as he goes back to frowning and I try to move him from the door- please move, I just want fried chicken -I pout, and he laughs, finding me adorable, but still won’t move from the door, and I know this would be a hard talk.

-Fried chicken can wait, Selena, Fredo won’t eat anything, he knows too well what happens when someone eats your food. -he laughs again and I really hope the subject of this conversation could just be my obsession with food and all the times I got mad at Fredo for eating some of my fries.- But Hailey is not my girlfriend, I don’t want a relationship and she knows it, we just hang out.

I feel anger at his words, what the fuck is he doing then? Does he fucking know he is taking her to dates like they’ve been dating for years? Doing all the things we wanted to? Fucking new year at St Barts, gosh damn. -I’m sorry, it doesn’t look like it. -Jealousy runs my veins, and I instantly feel my subconscious kick me on the throat. I hurry to add something else as his mouth opens, ready to say something- But you shouldn’t be explaining anything to me, as a friend I’m really happy you have good company.

-What do you feel as an ex? -he spits with a tone of anger, is he angry at me? Why couldn’t I keep my mouth shut and pretend everything was alright? It’s not like I never did.- I don’t care what you think as my friend when you act like this, Selena, I really need to know what you think since you seem to be the one who knows what’s better for me. -his voice breaks as he pronunces those last words, and I won’t know if it’s anger running his veins or if he really meant it, and I feel tears forming in my eyes.

-You want to know the truth? -I stare at him, he firmly keeps his gaze on me and I know there’s no going back- You look pretty stupid to me pretending you can replace me with her, you’re so fucking obvious doing all the things we did together and you don’t even have respect to make some new plans, you just do what we planned to do together. -I realise I’m screaming and tears run down my face, as he stares at me, concern and sadness in his eyes, but I won’t stop- That fucking sucks because it looks like what we had was never special to you, while I can’t even go on a fucking date to our favorite restaurant and feel guilty when my date orders your favorite dish because I feel like I’m replacing you when I know damn well I would never love anyone the way I love you, and I don’t plan to replace you and create new memories with anyone to erase you from them because they are not you, even if they wear your favorite cologne or taste like your favorite wine, I will always feel this emptyness when I realise I’m not waking up next to you.

My knees feel weaker with every word I say and I’m afraid I would end up shaking on the floor at his gaze. -I’m done with pretending I’m okay with this, Justin, so done. I thought I was good at moving on after all this time, but you don’t make it any easier throwing it in my face, and I can’t even date anyone, not just because it hurts me, but because when I feel like I could do it, you come with a new song singing about how much you miss me, with your shady attitude towards my male friends and you really make me feel like you belong to me and to the fact my body stills needs your touch, but it doesn’t last because when I finally decide to take a step into your life, you already moved on with your bitches pretending I never existed.

When I realize, I’m on my knees, tears falling heavily, it’s getting harder to breathe and I can’t talk without my body shaking at every word. But Justin is crying too, I wonder if Alfredo heard anything, and I feel like shit for my unnecessary rant when I could simply pretend I was okay until I believe it -even if it took me years, because I was ruining Justin chances of moving on too.

Justin’s POV:

I’m holding Selena in my arms while I dry her tears, my embrace trying to stop her from shaking, like I used to do when she broke down crying after a bad fight. My heart hurts seeing her like this, I’m shocked she stills feel this way for me since she is way too good pretending she doesn’t love me anymore, but I won’t waste any second making her believe I don’t love her back. 

-Do you remember Nothing Like Us? -she nods in my neck, and I take a deep breath and continue while I remember the sound of the piano at the beggining of the song.- It will always be like that to me, there will be no one who makes me feel the way you do, Sel. I would never replace you even if I wanted to, and that’s not the case. I remember everything we did together, and even if admiting this makes me look like a douchebag, the only reason I take girls to the same places we used to go on our dates is because I like to look back on us, I like how it feels when nostalgia takes over me and I can help but smile at the times I threw you into the water of that same beach, the selfies we took, the times you got mad because the seagulls would steal your fries, or how much I miss you getting mad at me for stealing food from your plates at the restaurants and then paying me back teasing me all the way home, I miss all the things we used to do together, even and specially the days when we would just lay in bed, staring at each other, sharing inside jokes, and I could feel even more love that my body could take, so I would lay over and kiss you right before I exploded and we would end up making love and whispering to each other how much we loved the other. -she looks at me with her watery eyes, and I know she felt the same exact feeling I just mentioned.- I will always compare what we had with every possibility I have to a new relationship, and that’s the reason no relationship ever lasts to me, because I get mad at them for not being like you, and at myself for letting the ghost of you take over me. With Hailey I have a great time, and I always remind her that I don’t like her that way, no matter how I act towards her, how many times she tries to kiss me or gets pissed at me for talking about you in my sleep, she is just my best friend. 

She meets my gaze, and I can see her eyes ask for an explanation to all these pictures of me and Hailey kissing, romantic captions on her posts, and I feel like an idiot.- I know, we acted like a couple for a while, we tried to be something. But a week ago, more like since the beggining, I came to the conclusion I only see her as my best friend, and now with you here I know I will have to talk to her about it, even if it’s hard for her to listen and makes me look like an asshole. I can’t keep lying to myself that way, Selena. I don’t want to hurt her thinking we could get serious some day, hurt myself pretending I’m okay with her not being you and no way I want to hurt you either making you believe i’m done with you. I will never be over you, Sel.

-I know it was me to say we should move on, but why didn’t you come back for me? -her voice sounds broken, and I hate myself for letting my insecurities take over me. But I won’t regret it, she will always be better off without me, I’m not the man she deserves- It seems pretty clear now that we could never get over each other, no matter how many people we date.

-Sel, you deserve much more I could give to you, you deserve much more this world has to offer. -I feel tears forming again in my eyes, knowing I’d have to let her go again, even after everything we both said to the other- I fucked up so many times, I would never cheat or lie to you ever again and I don’t really need to date any other women to realise you are the one I want to spend the rest of my life with, I’m sure as fuck it will be always be you, but I’m still not being what you deserve, you do make me feel like a better man, you make me be a better man, but I will never be worthy of your love again after all what happened between us and my special hability to fuck everything up. 

I meet her gaze, and I know she understands what is being in an intern battle with yourself for feeling you’re not being enough.

I want to be enough.

-You are more that I could ever ask for, Jay, you are so good to me, and even after all the mistakes we made, we still have other mistakes to make, because that’s just how life is. It doesn’t mean we can’t grow together, Jay. We can do it, no matter how many obstacles life throw at us, if you love me and really want to be with me, then there is no excuse, we’ll always have each other -that being said, her lips meet mine, her legs wrap firmly around me and her hands are holding my face. We kiss desperate and loving, not seeming to get enough of each other.

When we break the kiss I look at her, and I see that unconditional love I always found only in her eyes.

I will be enough.

-

This didn’t take the plot I thought it would when I first pictured the story in my mind, but I’m still very proud of this <3

[wendyhermansongeller]

Introducing Poptone: The Music of '80s Cult Faves Tones on Tail is Undead, Undead, Undead

Any fan of goth music — or even simply alternative rock in general —  is familiar with what is probably the genre’s most famous cornerstone, the icon English quartet Bauhaus, which created an entire theatrical/musical movement during four years before disbanding in 1983 and metamorphosing into the hitmaking trio Love & Rockets.

However, in between the Bauhaus breakup and the formation of its even more famous successor there laid the gem of a lesser-known project: Tones on Tail.

Consisting of Bauhaus’s Daniel Ash and Kevin Haskins, plus art-school friend Glenn Campling, the Tones trio put out merely one full-length album and did one tour before disbanding in 1984. Ash and Haskins then reunited with Bauhaus bassist David J. for a lengthy run as Love & Rockets; the success of which was so overpowering that it somewhat placed the Tones project in the realm of being of interest for serious fans only.

However, few bands packed as much quality into a brief two years than Tones on Tail. Taking a complete departure from their goth origin (to the point of even performing live dressed in all-white), Tones on Tail spat out a collection of thoroughly unique songs that managed to dance equally between testosterone-edged muscle and carefree airiness. As Ash himself puts it “They’re all toe-tappers but sound like they’re from another planet.”

They’re also as ageless as Ash himself, who turns 60 this July, but still exudes a wiry, tense energy belying his years. After a long period of swearing off playing live, the guitarist/vocalist abruptly decided this year he wanted to hit the stage again – and resurrect the Tones on Tail catalog, the band he says was “my favorite out of the three” he’s played in.

“Tones were asked to do Coachella about five years ago,” he recalls. “I did contemplate it. We were offered an extremely large amount of money to do it. It was quite healthy. But I thought about it and I went ‘No, I’m not feeling it.’ I didn’t want to play live. I was jaded and just thought I couldn’t do it anymore, on lots of levels—I thought I was too old, and it felt a bit ridiculous putting a guitar around my neck. It felt stupid to me, I felt ‘I’ve done that’ and it’s silly for older people to do that.

“With art, with me personally, I could never fake it,” he adds. “Whatever—if it’s a painting I’m doing, or whatever. If it ain’t right, I can’t live with myself if I’m faking it. And it never felt right.”

So Ash—who did play Coachella with both Bauhaus and Love & Rockets in previous years—put the request aside and continued with a semi-retired routine, which included DJ-ing locally, riding motorcycles, and caring for “a tankful of tropical fish on the top of my refrigerator.”

“But then I had this thing that happened to me,” he notes. “I woke up around 4 a.m. with my headphones on, just slumped over the computer, because I like drinking wine and watching videos—who doesn’t? Anyway I fell asleep and I woke up and it hit me like a bolt of lightning: Oh my God I should do this live thing. I’ve been trying to figure out how to make money and survive within the arts for years, struggling at this doing DJ jobs, struggling struggling. And it hits me at four in the morning, just go out and play guitar, play live, it’s the answer. And it wasn’t a negative anymore.

“To back that up, I heard somebody say “Oh U2 are going out and doing that Joshua Tree thing,” he recalls, referring to the band’s tour commemorating the 30th anniversary of their 1987 landmark release. “Of all bands, I have no interest in U2 at all, completely cold. But they’re exactly the same age as me, and nobody’s saying anything. Nobody’s even thinking about it. So that little stupid hang-up I had about that went right out the window.”

He decided to give the idea a go: “A couple days later I was thinking ‘how am I going to do this?’ And I started playing and it was instant. My fingers were a bit sore for a couple days but that was it. It all came back just like riding a push bike.

Ash didn’t have to look too far for a collaborator for his latest project. He called the obvious: Haskins, who took to the idea with alacrity. Having two daughters active in the music scene, the drummer knew there was an audience—and not just a purely nostalgic one–curious to explore the Tones on Tail legacy.

“I had an inkling, from having young daughters and meeting people of their age group,” Haskins says. “Over the past few years, occasionally Tones on Tail would come up. So I kind of knew there was a fascination and an intrigue for kids that weren’t even born [when the band was active]. And also, a lot of people didn’t see us because we only did one tour. So I knew there would be a lot of interest in this.”

The only issue remained of whom to play bass—Ash, who wanted to perform not only Tones songs but also his own compositions he wrote for Bauhaus and Love & Rockets, didn’t feel right asking David J. or Campling to hop on board. Haskins agreed.

The pair considered options—including Sade/Sweetback bassist Paul Denman—before hitting on an ingenous idea. Why not try out Haskins’s older daughter?

Diva Dompe, a multidimensional solo artist who had her own band, BlackBlack, for several years, was well versed on her father’s catalog (she recalls Ash bought her first bass, and that she mastered the Bauhaus classic “Bela Lugosi’s Dead” at age 13). Despite this, she was forced to prove her mettle.

“I had to audition like five times,” she says wryly. “I’m not one to really learn songs. It was kind of a process for me.”

As it turned out, she was a more than just a good fit. “A shot in the arm,” Ash affirms. “It’s allowed us to do all three bands, plus whatever else we want to do, without it being confined, because she’s neutral.”

“Beyond that,” adds Haskins, “Diva has brought such her own thing to this on so many levels—her female vocals, female energy. Her style, her age. I’m so glad to have this and not just because she’s my daughter. I feel it adds a new element.”

Dubbing the new unit Poptone to give it its own identity, the trio got to work establishing an initial tour schedule – one that would accommodate Dompe’s role as a mom of a young toddler – and rehearsing a set list of what turned out to be 70% Tones on Tail, with the rest select Love & Rockets songs that Ash wrote and sang on, plus one song from Bauhaus’s fourth studio album.

Ash was adamant that Poptone refrain from “obscure, arty-farty” selections, and was careful to choose tunes he knew the audience would want to hear. “No f***ing about, right?” To that end, favorites from the Love & Rockets catalog such as “Mirror People,” “Love Me,” and “No Big Deal” became touchstones amid the Tones archive.

Ash admits the initial rehearsals were a mixed bag at first, and some of the material was more challenging to revisit than he expected. “There were little things I was doing wrong in every rehearsal,” he admits. “It’s weird, there were certain [songs] over the weeks that I was sort of semi-dreading, and they turned out to be the easy ones. And then something else that you thought was a breeze, you slip up on.

“The acoustic numbers… some days, playing that 12-string acoustic is like playing something with barbed wire,” he says. “I was dreading [Tones on Tail’s] ‘Twist.’ The guitar riff on that is so exposed and I can’t hide behind echo and feedback. I’m going to stand there and play it, actually play it, rather than make a mistake and put the old echo machine on to bluff it and cover it up. So that’s a scary one.”

All pain was forgotten, however, during the band’s debut in late April at a Los Angeles rehearsal space, trying out the set for an intimate crowd of hardcore fans before launching their official tour several weeks later. Adrenaline kicked in (“I had pulled a muscle at the gym earlier,” Haskins relates. “On stage it went away”) and the screaming, swaying audience responded to the songs on a level likely equivalent to that of Bauhaus’s famous and rabidly anticipated reunion tour in 1998.

All three members of Poptone nod at that comparison, with Ash admitting he was “amazed” at the glowing reception to the show.

“The really good things most often are a natural process, where they’re not really thought out so much consciously,” he analyzes of the serendipitous origin of his latest project. “It’s like the idea if you go back to the start of the whole thing: How did us four, as in Bauhaus, all meet up? We all knew each other from school or art school. I don’t want to be pretentious or presumptuous, but the acts of the Beatles have been the ultimate example of that. Out of the whole planet, those four individuals get together to make that music, because it wouldn’t have been that music without those four people. It’s a collaboration and it creates a specific chemistry.

“So [Poptone] has been a natural thing and it’s almost like it’s out of our hands. Look at it as a faith thing, or not–it’s working out perfectly.”

As for the future of Poptone beyond its initial run of dates? Will the trio collaborate on new music, record an original album, continue touring? Ash is noncommittal.

“I don’t really like to think about anything about how not it’s going to be, because if you keep it totally neutral you can be pleasantly surprised,” he concludes. “If it does flop you’re not disappointed, and for me – I’d just go back to riding my bikes.”